Its the 18th. Today would have been 1 year and 5 months. Instead it ended at 4.
I learned a lot about myself in this brief period of time I have been coasting by myself. I learned that I have a short fuse, a great group of friends, and that life is a gamble. I already knew who I was but now I know who I really am. An apocalyptic, crazy, boarder line militant asshole who cares for others and wants to save humanity. I guess it would be safe to say that I am me, I’ve always been me. I didn’t let anything or anyone change who I am. I still wear large shirts with skinny jeans and rock shoes with so many holes in them you would think a dog had gotten to them.
I still miss her, I wish it wouldn’t have ended. I wish we could have changed things to where we would both feel comfortable. I knew the whole time both of us were uneasy and sketchy, I just wish that we could have made things better instead of throwing it away. What we had was special and I will never forget it. I still haven’t moved on and the thoughts of us still float around in my head pulling at my emotions.
I can’t complain anymore. People have been through worse. I just have to keep my head up and move forward. Time still hasn’t told me anything and I wish it would because I want us to be happy again. With or without.
I don’t know what to think anymore. As the song goes “I’m still into you…”
Posted: September 9, 2013 in Stories
Tags: fear, hate, heartbreak, love, relationships
I don’t deserve her. I never deserved her love nor do I deserve her friendship. I’ve done nothing but fuck this up even more. My life is a wreck.
We were supposed to hang out today but my alarm didnt go off and wake me up at 12. I was supposed to be at UofL by 1. She was really upset. I started to cry. I told myself to just go anyway and I did. I met her by her dorm and we went to grab some food. She ate while I talked. Then I was told everything just became awkward.
She looked very pretty today, her hair was nice, her face looking as gorgeous as usual and she was wearing a nice top with these white shorts that had gold buttons. I remember the day she sowed them to me. That’s why I remember them vividly.
The walk back was bad. She didn’t look at me. I didn’t get a hug. We departed and I walked back to my car. I cried all the way back home.
I can’t take hearing that no one thinks she’s pretty. I can’t take hearing her say that she needs love. I can’t take hearing that she’s going to be alone when she had me. I can’t take hearing any of that. I just wish that I can be the person to give her everything that she is yearning for and more. I just wish I can do it again but better.
On the outside, everyone thinks I am doing fine but on the inside the pain of her departure is flowing through my body. I have dreams, thoughts and nightmares. My anger has gotten worse. I’ve become short tempered and have random outburst. I haven’t even seen my best friend in 2 weeks! I’ve only skated with a few of my friends and thats about it.
I feel lonely. I know I shouldn’t because I have an amazing group of supportive friends who are always behind me. I miss being with her. I miss her asking me to cut my hair or to come home so we can talk on the phone, or her face timing me or all the stuff we used to do. My love for her is deep. Being friends just makes it hard to breathe. I don’t know how to act when I’m conversing with her. I’m so used to calling her babe, calling her booger face, or simply saying I Love You.
I miss sending her long text in the mornings or telling her stories over the phone. I miss going out to eat with her and walking around downtown Louisville. I miss our late night conversations, I miss soo much and everyday it eats me alive. It gets worse when she’ll say she feels lonely or she’ll be alone forever.
I don’t know what to do…
I guess I’ll go drown my sorrow with a bottle of Colt 45 and pass out on some train tracks and hope to see the light of day.
I love her…
Posted: September 4, 2013 in Stories
Tags: couples, dates, forgot, hate, love, relationships
Today is the 4th of September. 13 days from now is when we were supposed to celebrate our 1 year and 5 months. I planned on doing something cute too. I wanted to take her to this premiere fondue restaurant called “The Melting Pot”. She was asking for a while to take her so I thought it would be only right to do so. I just so happen to pass it up while running errands for my mom. When I saw the building and the name in its huge neon glow, all the memories of us came rushing back and the misery began.
Every time that day rolls around I play back that awkward moment when we were in the stairwell and I asked her out. She had the biggest and cutest smile and I was nervously standing there trying to put the words “Will you go out with me” together. It’s a moment I will never forget, not to mention that later that day at work I cut my finger open and had to get stitches.
The thought of her moving on is still lingering in my head. I sometimes have thoughts of her talking and flirting with other guys. My stomach twist and turns and does a lot of weird stuff in reaction of my thoughts. I’ve never felt this way about someone nor have I loved someone like that. It just hurts. I myself have gained enough strength to stop crying every day but the pain in my heart and the love I have for her sits comfortably inside of me. All I have is a wing and a prayer but I don’t know where I’ll go with that.
My past week without her in my life has been such a blur. I just go on with my day to day activities but with something distracting me 24/7. My friends have been such a huge help but they still don’t fill that hole. Having loving friends is one thing, but having one person as your best friend who is there by your side and is thinking about you all the time is something more special. She said she needs time so only time will tell.
I love her.
It has been 8 days now.
I still have the same feelings.
I still want her back.
I still haven’t moved on.
We’ll see what the future has in store because I’ve been put in the friend zone without parole. Good Night America, Good Morning China.
Posted: August 31, 2013 in Stories
Tags: hate, love, relationships
So my blog gets sadder by the day, oh well.
My anger has gotten out of control. If it wasn’t for…well idk what is what but whatever it was kept me from clocking out. I was just ready to grab a rifle and shoot a forest. I was just sooo ANGRY!
My mother pissed me off, my sister pissed me off, then when I get to work I get even more pissed. I know things are getting bad when people are asking me if I’m okay. This has been going on for a week now.
I just don’t know how to handle myself anymore. I find myself distracted thinking about her and then getting angry for no complete reason. I finally got a new skateboard and skated, that calmed me down a little but then it got dark so that ruined the fun.
I still love her and want her back.
I’m not sure what’s going on.
Those sweet memories, will always be dear to me. And girl, no matter what was said, I will never, forget what we had, now baby… Do you remember…
Posted: August 30, 2013 in Stories
Tags: dating, end, girls, love, people, relationships
I stalked her facebook and saw her smiling face with another friend…who was a guy, but she’s happy. She’s free, free from me. She can do what she wants, party, drink, sex…everything. She just wants to be free.
It hurts me the most, I’m still hurt and bothered. I thought we would end our relationship on mutual terms if we both agreed it didn’t work.
I guess life isn’t in anyone’s favor.
This ends the post . .
Posted: August 29, 2013 in Stories
Tags: anger, bob ross, diesel, easel, fearful, ford, ford truck, hate, heartless, hurt, love, pain, relationships, torn
Why do I feel old
Old like a ford truck running diesel
Old like Bob Ross with his easel
I don’t know but that’s I feel yo
Look at all of the things that we’ve been through
Now look at all of the pain that I’m going through
I know you said that when you leave I won’t be lonely
But I’ve never have felt this lonely . .