As I sit here in the middle of my room typing this, I feel the wholeness of this world surround me and engulf the pain and fear of life. Everyday is more of a challenge due to society’s stress upon my brain and my fathers persistent badgering of help with his company. I’m 20 years old with no aim in life. My only true passion is skateboarding and life has done all its can to slow down my progression.
In my current down time I’ve done nothing but mope around the house, stream social media sites and have taken little time towards my code academy account. I also got bad news from school. I failed a class. I owe those fuckers $432. Fucking jerk offs.
To add to my stress I’ve made it through my 3rd peek season at UPS. This year had to be the worse yet, with volume staggering over 2 million a night. Everything is taking a tole on me. My soul is tainted with happiness and anger, my positive mindset has been tarnished, my life goals have been put on hold.
I’ve started smoking black n milds to cope with the stress. Its a habit I picked up on my 20th birthday while floating in the clouds. I dearly regret it but fuck it, quicker way to leave earth right?
It makes me tear up just as little while I straddle my stuffed animal and sit in the middle of the floor. I just want to know why the world is so cold and why when I try I fail even more. I have higher hopes for the new hear but right now, I just want to sit here in the middle of my four corned room and sob a little over my failed attempt at life.
Maybe I’ll get it right next time…
I like to start my afternoons with a nice large cup of coffee and left over food from 2 nights ago. This process was created several months ago and it must continue. I work night shift at UPS so there is a need for me to fill system up with large amounts of caffeine to wake my self up. I’m addicted to coffee, its my second love in life. My first love is skateboarding, nothing ever goes above that. Unless I get married or something, than my wife has to share 1st place with my skateboard. (Laugh Out Loud) !
While I drink coffee I go on these mini trips. Its like the creativity juice in my brain starts churning and my mind goes wild. I usually like to sit down in coffee shops and do this but mostly it happens in my room in front of my computer or on my front porch. I think of all sorts of things such as new skateboard tricks, comic book ideas, more skateboard tricks, computer coding, post for my tech website and much more. The problem with this is trying to get the ideas out of my head and putting them on paper. Being a null creative person is difficult. I have to be the weirdest person to ever live. I sometimes wonder who I was in a past life hoping that I can piece together something. It never really works, I just come to another brick wall. When that happens I grab my skateboard and hit the streets.
My mind has opened up more to new things such as the world, deep space and meditation. I really want to explore these fields and get deep in it. I took a philosophy class this past semester and it completely blew my mind away. There are so many theories and knowledge and methods. I practically turned into a philosopher and started preaching these new ideas and thoughts to my friends and anyone else who seems interested. I’ve been dubbed Negrodamus among my friends. Others just call me smart. I’ll take whatever.
I see this self empowerment as a way for me to enlighten and gain more knowledge about this world and the people in it. I’ve been studying people more and have been paying attention to peoples motives and there “selfish” actions. Its all really a wonder to me.
With what I am calling my “New Found Knowledge” I plan to sit down in this sandbox of a world and begin to tear down and pull apart what society has created and create something new for our generations to live. The median that has been built defines to many stereotypes and political groups. I really just want to bring peace, but that goal is almost impossible to me and the rest of the world due to inner hatred we possess.
If we could rise above and out of the circle of hate and preach peace instead of war than we could live in a world that has less violence and more happiness. Whether or not that evil was created to make this world turn, we could at least have more positivity spread around than what we have now.
Life is simply just a sandbox.
Remember a couple months ago when I made those deep, drawn out, sad, sappy blog post about my break up with my ex? That shit was real. I was messed up from that. I stopped skateboarding for an entire week. I LOVE TO SKATEBOARD!!! I was in terrible shape. Now…Things have changed. I feel better about everything and I am happy and content with life.
I did some really hard thinking about my past relationship and I honestly think that it just wasn’t for us. Yes I really did love her, deeply. But in the end and through all the bullshit, I feel like that wasn’t for us. I think there is someone else in this world of 7 billion people that will fit for us. I’m not gonna go on here and bash her or anything, yeah I feel like she did me wrong but I am glad she broke it off. I really just wanna remain good friends.
My life is good right now, I get to chill with my friends, talk and meet new people, explore the world and do what I feel like I want without worrying about someone worrying about me. I know that sounds bad but at this point in my life, I’m 20. I have a decade to find someone and explore the world. I’m not a man-whore so there won’t be no wiener going around. haha!
Well I’m off to make some deep philosophical post so stay tuned.