I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. YOU HAVE BECOME MY MUSE AND THE TOXICITY IS KILLING ME. IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER IF THINGS NEVER WENT THIS ROUTE AND IF I NEVER MADE LOVE SONGS ABOUT YOU. I SCARED PEOPLE NOT TO LONG AGO BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF BUT WHY WOULD I DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO GO ON WITH YOUR HAPPY LIFE. SUICIDE IS STUPID AND LOVE IS STUPID. I’VE GROWN SO BITTER THAT I HATE IT AND ALL I WANT IS HAPPINESS. I DON’T EVEN LIKE SMOKING CIGARETTES BUT EACH DAY I SMOKE ONE MORE THAN THE DAY PRIOR.

feedback loop hole from hell

I’ve literally wasted hours thinking about you.

Thinking of how to approach you in a way that doesnt make me feel weird.

I want to talk to you, listen to your voice as it soothes my soul.

I want to learn about what makes you tick and how you move about your day.

I want to know what inspires you to live a fulfulled life full of hard work and fun summers.

How do I do that? How do I escape this train of thought that has crashed several times into a brick wall?

Today I planned on simply doing homework and mainly focusing on my TreeHouse track. That didn’t happen. I’ve spent most of the day moping and gathering useless thoughts. i don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t know what love is or this feeling I have but I don’t want to have it anymore. It pains me to even it say it but I’m tired of putting myself through this. I’m tired of staring at your beauty afraid of watching you share it with someone else. I’m tired of writing new music that centers around my desires of knowing you but my fear of losing a stranger.

I’ve always wondered what it is that makes a woman attractive. Like what are those features that I adore about you so much? Its indescribable. I feel comfortable and afraid, scared to even say your name.

I just wish I wasn’t so shy and built up all these fantasy stories in my head of how I see the future. I read a book a not to long ago that actually described what I’m going through.

You get anxious about confronting somebody in your life. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you’re so anxious. Now you’re becoming anxious about being anxious. Oh no! Doubly anxious! Now you’re anxious about your anxiety, which is causing more anxiety. Quick, where’s the whiskey?I just wish I wasn’t so shy and built up all these fantasy stories in my head of how I see the future. I read a book a not to long ago that actually described what I’m going through. – Mark Manson”

The feedback loop hole from hell is a cycle I hate, I fell for the bait so I might as well get ate.

i just wanna know why this happened.

~ … keep it all smiles

qwerty with these dorito fingers

I’m trying to think of ways to get my mind back on track. Theres nothing wrong with me other than … never mind. Look, I’m here because I’m struggling. I’m just trying to live ya know? Isn’t this what we all want? A life? A future?

I find it quite hard to be intent and in the moment. Meditation used to work for me a long time ago but that slowly faded away. I’m not sure why but theres this feeling I can’t shake and I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand the fear and where it comes from. Why must everything come down to the decisions I make and why do I constantly stress over the small factors?

Peace isn’t just a dream but a reality. I achieved it once. Lasted for just a millisecond but the fact of the matter is, I did it. The feeling was wonderful, I can remember it vaguely but deep down I want to be right there again. Right now I’m just fixated on someone and it’s like, why? Why can’t I just have those moments where their not at the forefront of my mind.

this wasn’t proof read, i don’t care

~ keep it all smiles

wish me luck

My nerves are unsettling leaving my brain in an altered state of crying.

This serves as my choices that have brought me here.

in 24 hours i have to tell you or i wont stop doing weird shit like this.

~ keep it all smiles

U ON MY MIND DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN WITH ME

Shes all I think about and is all I want… but I don’t know why.

Why am I so attracted to her?

Why do I fall into a hypnotized state everytime I’m around her, almost speechless because I don’t wanna say something toO silly. Why do I even have these feelings and spend days talking about it to myself.

why?

somedays I try to make myself cry because I just want that emotional relief but i just can’t. I’m constantly wrapping my head around multiple different realities, always lost in another world.

Like fuck, I wrote a whole song about this chick? DO YOU HEAR ME GUYS! I WROTE A WHOLE ENTIRE SONG ABOUT A WOMAN AND SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE THAT ITS ABOUT HER. SHE HEARD IT!!!

i feel dumb sometimes because i make things way harder than life is supposed to be.

~ keep it all smiles

her

I’ve been afraid to show my face

Its the reason why I have been gone

Deep within me I long for you

Its so challenging through my woes

You’re smile

You’re hair

You’re face

I so dearly miss it

I wish to see you more but you don’t seem to want me

It makes me sad and sometimes my eyes swell

Heartbreak I’ve met before

~ looking down cus’ God do

corrugated recycles

From time to time I tend to challenge myself with a little bit of bullshit.

Okay not really, I just thought that would be a good opening sentence because the rest of what I have to say may not even be relatable to you.

Its currently 71 degrees and rainy and here I stand with a laptop. My brain goes haywire just thinking about the actual history that has taken place at this house I live in. Before my parents moved in and brought me into this world apparently some old lady lived in my house.

Standing in the garage with the lightning illuminating off my keyboard, I can take a look and see the old wiring from when this garage had lights and a working door.

Today its bored up and those wires dangle loseley carrying no current like they once did.

I think something landed on my head and I’m not sure of what it could’ve been. Whatever it was had me swatting at my hair for 5 minutes only realising that I was just throwing more water all over my laptop cus my hair is SOAKED.

but whatever.

the internet needs to know that there are people like us who dwindle away at things that don’t even contribute to humanity. I mean shit, I know a guy who does nothing but watch anime by himself eating fast food all day. What kind of life is that?

i just write, i write bullshit becasue after its written i read through my poor grammar and laugh at my mistakes.

~ keep it all smiles