Last day of the year

Hi internet, it’s been a while.

There used to be a time where I used to come here a lot to air out any grievances I had going on in life. But these days that new outlet is music. Whenever I’m feeling down I’ll pull out my Google Keep notepad and just write away my thoughts and feelings into rhymes and melodies. A lot of the times it never comes out the way I want it but its a nice way to just clear my mind when I’m not feeling it.

Here lately things in my head haven’t been right and I’m not too sure why. I don’t think I’m depressed or anything but I’ve just been confused. I’m confused on the new relationships I’ve built with people in my life and what they truly mean. There’s one person in particular that I just can’t seem to shake and I don’t know why. I guess mentioning that makes what I said earlier I lie but its truly not. I just wanted another place to go to other than the norm and really let my mind free because as of late I’ve been restricting myself behind the mental bars of insanity and dreaming false narratives.

Life is just weird ya know and they way we spend it at humans can be either fruitful or disgusting. As for me, it’s just a vibe that I try to ride like my skateboard doing kickflips on rough pavement. There’s nothing more enjoyable than landing a trick but when you do it on shitty pavement it means a little more. But to go back to the matter at hand, I’m trying to overcome the confusion in my brain because I know that I am human and these things come about as new challenges like in a video game. I either accept it and see what the rewards are or I can just leave it be and try to move on.

I really don’t like challenges and do my best to stay from them but when my brain is on a constant marathon of images of what I’m not to sure of I began to ponder the many possibilities which just turn into a cluster fuck of bullshit. Whenever I get frustrated I simply get sad and that overwhelming feeling of loneliness starts to creep in and I just shut myself off. I usually end up on social media writing weird cryptic messages hoping that the person or people that they are intended for read it and reach out. Sometimes it works and then sometimes it doesn’t. When it does work and they do reach out I end up lying and covering up how I truly feel and hide my emotions from them.

It gets to a point where I feel like I’m crying wolf but in all honesty I do want help or maybe someone to talk to? The point I’m trying to make is that I’ve reached this place in life where I realize that I haven’t done enough and that if I want to get any closer to what I want I have to grab it with my bare hands. All in all I know that a new 365 days is coming up soon and it’s time to realize what I want in life and take action.

happy new year.

~ keep it all smiles