Here I am at 5 in the morning listening to Panic! At the Disco in my mothers car pondering life in the driveway. It hasn’t been like this in a while. I usually will sit here for 20 minutes questioning my existence, only to grab my bag and slowly make my way through the back door.
I’m not sure why this happens. It didn’t start until I began my journey as a night shift employee. A layer of depression lies on my chest and I drift off with the dark clouds that the sadness brings. Surrounding myself with the joys of life somewhat works, but at the end of the day I sit in my room with a blank mind me wonder.
I think about a lot of things. I think about the present, past, then the future. A friendly reminder from Buddha occasionally pops up in my head which is to not focus on the last or future but I can’t shake it. There’s some answer I’m looking for, some light I’m trying to seek. This enlightenment that I have no clue about is dangling there in front of me. The midst of hate and cruelty in the world blind me from choices I pick and choose from.
I’m never sure about what I’m really thinking but it’s dreadful. I sometimes don’t want to go home. I guess that’s why I stay as long as I can at a friends house or while I’m out drinking tea or skateboarding. It scares me.
I hate the feeling of sitting alone and self inflicting pain upon myself.
I don’t like it.