i got a website & you don't

Day three and I managed to leave the bag of cheese flavored Bugles open again. I really need to stop doing that. I can taste how stale they are getting by the day. Its going to be a cold pizza morning. I’m talking about the round ones that are small and can be warmed up in about 2 minutes. I don’t have time, I just got to go because in the end we all die so why waste time?

Time is something that fucks me over and over again because I go against everything I say and stay in my bed asleep for no reason. I’m lost, hopeless, yet on a mission of some sorts and I will get it somehow. It’s all a matter of will and if I can fight off what has caused me to become this bitter slow human.

If only video games could cure me, that would be the much more desirable effect. I can’t complain about what’s has made it to the forefront of my future. With all the bells and whistles, Im set for the years to come.

~ keep it all smiles

ps. NIGGA THIS PIZZA IS FIRE!

Creeping In The Chatrooms

When I get lonely I hop on the internet and look for random social communities to join. From discord to telegram I have made my rounds through the chat servers, talking to strangers and learning about other people who I may never meet.

I remember a few years ago I was in a deep state of depression for a full week. Somehow I stumbled upon a website called recolor, which was this forum where you made a little avatar and when you made post it would pop up as a big bubble next to your character. Lowkey I thought I had found a fun place to hangout on the internet but really the site was just a shithole for immature little kids to drop spam all day. My best friend joined the site and not long after started a roleplay that never really went anywhere. That could possibly be my fault because at some point I started to log in less and less on recolor due to boredom and shit post.

I’m not sure why I go out of my way to find these strange forums and chat rooms when I feel lonely but I always do. Like literally I just downloaded kik for the third time just so I can scour the chatrooms to see if anyone is talking about something interesting. You can learn a lot from strangers but not so much from people on the internet. I find myself lost in the sea of words that 50 other people are posting all at once. It’s usually a tiresome endeavor and whatever forum, app, or site that I signed up for to fill that empty feeling gets thrown away like a rotten vegetable.

Guess I better hop on kik.

~keep it all smiles~

How Much Wisdom Does a Tooth Carry?

I have 4 wisdom teeth sticking their necks out in the back of my mouth. Specifically the little sucker in the bottom left corner has been bothering me since I woke up yesterday evening.

I’m 26 years old and I still have my wisdom teeth. Just thinking about having the surgery to have all 4 teeth taken out turns my stomach upside down. The surgery isn’t what I’m afraid about, it’s the pain I will have to deal with after. These bad boys have been growing since age 21 and I’m certain that once they rip these HUGE ASS teeth from my dental cavity I’ll be feeling the effects days on end. I’m no dentist so everything I’m saying are just pure guess’s to what may possibly happen.

As my father always says, “Men don’t go to the hospital unless they are seriously ill or injured.” He surely isn’t lying about that either because the last time I went to the hospital was when I got hit by a car riding my back in September of 2017. Prior to that I hadn’t been to a doctor since the age of 18. So instead of being an average man, I need to find my dental insurance card and go to the dentist. The PAIN IN MY MOUTH IS INTENSE GAT DAMMIT! Not to mention that this has been going on more frequently for a few months now. Before my jaw would hurt occasionally and I’d take some ibuprofen and I was good. That shit ain’t working no more… NO MORE.

but as always…

~keep it all smiles~

ps. If you are a dentist and read this, please tell me its going to be okay.

lol

Mountain Dew Mouth

I’m surrounded by strangers whose thoughts concern me only when in doubt. I’ve at some point consumed the drama that brews within this untamed group of individuals and it caused me to lose hope in people.

How are we to be together when all we do is argue and belittle one another? The exchange of words behind another person’s back is just as crippling as a shotgun shell to the face. Why do we do this? Where is the war and what is there to be won?

~keep it all smiles~

Closing My Eyes To Pee

I never really have a plan of attack. My gun shoots aimlessly until I strike something. Usually that never happens though and I end up sitting on the curb with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of fiji in the other.

To be more clear, when it comes to life my agenda has no plans. Ideas live inside of my head but the outcomes are always faulty which results in me trying to rewire circuitry that I didn’t intend on creating. This slow trot to a better life has been gruelling. Have you ever had to consider two or more options but get stuck on one of them that doesn’t give you any purpose? Does life know that?

Considering the fact that at this point I might sound crazy, I deem the world around me as the biggest distraction and try whole heartedly to beg for my own forgiveness for the sins I indulge in. Can you see the plot thicken? The walls closing in with no doors to escape? Thats how it works in my mind. From the times I sit there and try to plan ahead I’m pushed aside by fears and social anxieties. The smell of her hair, the scuff on his shoe, the coffee that was spilled. I’m constantly being filled with the awful of idea of life but then I realize that this game is more than me. It’s more than us and the person behind the computer. It’s more then the generator that pushes the train forward.

But what could this be? What could this blockage amounting to thousands upon THOUSANDS of foiled plans really be?

My answer is just as good as yours. We are both lost and that is why when I stare at my agenda I don’t know what I’m looking at. I see nothing but the void of life and candle wax dripping on the side of a pornstars tit.

~ keep it all smiles ~

Camo Pants

There is a side of me that my friends do not know about and it’s this blog I have here. I’ve mentioned it a few times before to a couple of buddies but I saw the disinterest.

I like to spend time writing about whatever, it makes me feel good. I can just swiftly dance away in a field of words then step back into the rigid quick rhymes I compose so frequently. The times I feel alone is where I feel at my best because that’s where my mind spills it’s energy into the abyss.

The world is the abyss. The place where shit just so happens to be stumbling around. I never try to cater to what’s around but it’s always like “fuck it,” as I straddle around. I’m just trying to conform in an unconventional way so I can achieve a purpose unsatisfied by my anger. I like to call it lost hate. There’s no template for it, it just is what it is.

So to summarize it all up, as I continue to write I wonder if this is for me or the lonely reader on the internet gazing upon millions of articles. I have nothing special here for you other than my regards and reasons for why I act the way I do. That shits always thrown at ya in a weird way so try not to look for it. I can’t find it either.

~keep it all smiles~

I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. YOU HAVE BECOME MY MUSE AND THE TOXICITY IS KILLING ME. IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER IF THINGS NEVER WENT THIS ROUTE AND IF I NEVER MADE LOVE SONGS ABOUT YOU. I SCARED PEOPLE NOT TO LONG AGO BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF BUT WHY WOULD I DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO GO ON WITH YOUR HAPPY LIFE. SUICIDE IS STUPID AND LOVE IS STUPID. I’VE GROWN SO BITTER THAT I HATE IT AND ALL I WANT IS HAPPINESS. I DON’T EVEN LIKE SMOKING CIGARETTES BUT EACH DAY I SMOKE ONE MORE THAN THE DAY PRIOR.