I’ma keep on truckin’

Today I found out one of my employees is going to have a baby. He’s an older fellow but I’m happy for him. I wish the best for his family and that UPS supplies the best insurance and money because you know we’re all kind of experiencing the struggle these days.

It was a rather easy night but this week has been kinda rough since my anxiety disorder has decided to creep up on me. I’ve been tired for the last few days and have experienced small but sometimes startling panic attacks. I’ve been good for the past two months without having to take my medicine but I guess life is finally taking ahold of me again. What I don’t understand is why didn’t I go through any of this last month? If you are a follower of my blog you would know that I am a De-Ice coordinator at UPS. I haven’t really blogged about it in a while or maybe I haven’t mentioned it but to make a long story short, my job can get really stressful.

I basically control chaos.

I had this same conversation with one of my good friends who suffers from anxiety and he told me that the symptoms typically settle when you’re calm and relaxing, which is a tad bit infuriating. It’s usually when my mind is calm and at ease that my anxiety is triggered and I begin to panic and feel the impeding sense of doom. That has been the last few days for me, I’ve been tired, feeling dizzy at times, sometimes faint, or tense. Anxiety is shitty if you ask me but I just gotta keep on truckin’. I’ve been prescribed medication but it isn’t daily because my wonderful Doctor gave me the choice of naturally dealing with it. She suggested meditation which I highly advocate but just haven’t committed myself to the practice.

I’ve opted to listen to anxiety relief music which helps at times and I enjoy the tunes very much through headphones.

But that is all for now. I’ll be back soon to talk more.

~ keep it all smiles

Twenty 20 Two

It’s been a while.

A long while I might add, but hey sometimes you just have to step away and come back when you’re ready.

I’ve been coasting through live while contemplating how to overcome my newly discovered anxiety. Panic attacks are not fun and I certainly don’t want to feel on edge every day. I don’t think I never shared that here but I spent 12 hours in the ER all for them to tell me that they don’t know what’s wrong. Then what burns me up about it is that they send me a bill for $1,200 as if the Doctor really did something for me that night.

You would think after having this experience I would be focused on trying to discover way to create a better health care system or causing an uproar online about how shitty out healthcare system is. Well I didn’t think about all of that now and well… It’s too late now lol.

I’ve got more ideas and a lot of jumbled up thoughts so here’s to a new year and frequent blog post on the place I call home on the internet. I mean shit, I’m paying yearly for this domain name so I better get on here and write some shit.

~ keep it all smiles

Ps. I still be talking shit.

A lot has happened

After months of not logging on to wordpress I finally got on here and was greeted by a wordpress courses ad. I thought about enrolling but then I was like “Who’s to say what I can write on here and how I go about it?” I’m pretty sure there’s some useful info I can learn but virtual meetups make me uneasy. It’s the same reason why I kinda flunked out of code louisville. I coulda been a programmer somewhere by now had I stuck with it.

Everything is everything and shit happens for a reason. The past 5 months have been somewhat of a doozy. Back in September I had a panic attack and life hasn’t been the same since. I done got promoted at work and became a supervisor, I’m surrounded by white bitches, and I’m at a weird standstill with music. I haven’t been hitting the garage lately and I’m not sure if its because of my association with weed and music or if I’ve lost motivation. Whatever the case may be my daily habits of inhaling smoke are gone. I’ve also made a lot of beats.

In this midst of the madness I’ve also caught coronavirus and have been playing a lot of Skater XL. I’ve been doing a lot more skating recently but with these cold temperatures I haven’t really made the effort of going outside. It’s just too damn cold and it’s upsetting to even say that because I’m the first motherfucker out of my friends to embrace the cold with pure happiness. I guess I’m getting old. I am 27 now.

Well, that’s enough for now. I’ll be back next time prepared to write better.

~ keep it all smiles

PARASANGS

“See that brother understand where I’m coming from because of the thought patterns. You talking to a brother without a brain, that brother has a thought like a lightning bolt. A lightning bolt that’ll burn a motherfuckin Lee Trevino with a golf club with iron in his goddamn hand that’s why he don’t like metal” – Bizzy Bone

~ keep it all smiles

Here’s what I’ve learned from COVID-19

1.) People are selfish greedy assholes who care entirely about themselves.

2.) White people think they are currently being oppressed and now know what slavery is like after 2 months of sitting at home eating cheetos and attending Zoom meetings.

3.) IF Nuclear bombs were to come and destroy the world, everyday life would be like a Fallout game or societies favorite TV show, The Walking Dead.

4.) Belief in religious figures are apparently more important than saving all of humanity. If God is real than God is the reason this Virus is here and if God is the merciful being people claim God to be than God would not mind you celebrating any religious activity at home. I mean God wouldn’t want to purposely kill their children would they?

5.) Obama was the best president we ever had.

6.) Trump played more Golf in the White House than Obama.

7.) Humans are dirty and clearly do not care about social distancing. (You would after watching the particle video)

8.) If you’re middle class or simply poor you are considered essential and your life isn’t valued as much as someone who spent thousands going to a University to work their boring desk job.

9.) Germs can easily be spread so it’s important to wash your hands and santise any surfaces that you touched.

10.) To be frank, people are Stupid.

add title

I haven’t been learning shit because you have taken up space in my mind. Like how in the hell you living there rent free? You know I charge and thats gonna be a sack of weed and $200 a day cus’ I’m petty.

The fact of the matter is that I don’t know how to get over myself. I don’t know how to get over silly shit that occurs in the everyday lives of just about every fucking human that walks this miserable place. We’re all suffering and surprisingly, the same. I don’t wanna take part in this mental shenanigans so I deleted those pussy ass songs I made which were “munchies 4 ur luv” and the entire tracklist to “Woman Make A Man Sing.”

~ keep it all smiles

ps. i really named it add title. that was not an error.

A Sense of Belonging

The constant cycle of nothingness that has formed inside of my head is quite a wonderful joyride. Sometimes when I look out the window I can relax and take in the scenic routes, although that is only a dream though. I’m trapped inside this never ended thought of how I should really be living life. Am I certainly going to relish in this agony or am I going to revolt and be more than what I could be? It’s its never right or wrong but who cares right?

With so much to tackle in life what’s really worth living for? The materialistic ways of this world or the social constructs we involve ourselves in? I’m just think about it, we build this fantasy land that we love to frolic in but never look beyond the written word. How can this be with such intelligent minds?

Now we’re both lost.

But don’t worry, it was never to be answered. I guess what I really needed to say was, fuck what you think about my sophisticated ways of piecing these words down. The hate I carry can be placed wherever I want and nobody likes to be right there. Such bullshit if you ask me. Such bullshit that this even exist. AND FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON HUH? TELL ME?!

Obligations? yeah so whatever, I’m lazy as fuck and couldn’t give a shit.

Its funny trying to follow a train of thought right?

~ keep it all smiles

i got a website & you don’t

Day three and I managed to leave the bag of cheese flavored Bugles open again. I really need to stop doing that. I can taste how stale they are getting by the day. Its going to be a cold pizza morning. I’m talking about the round ones that are small and can be warmed up in about 2 minutes. I don’t have time, I just got to go because in the end we all die so why waste time?

Time is something that fucks me over and over again because I go against everything I say and stay in my bed asleep for no reason. I’m lost, hopeless, yet on a mission of some sorts and I will get it somehow. It’s all a matter of will and if I can fight off what has caused me to become this bitter slow human.

If only video games could cure me, that would be the much more desirable effect. I can’t complain about what’s has made it to the forefront of my future. With all the bells and whistles, Im set for the years to come.

~ keep it all smiles

ps. NIGGA THIS PIZZA IS FIRE!

Creeping In The Chatrooms

When I get lonely I hop on the internet and look for random social communities to join. From discord to telegram I have made my rounds through the chat servers, talking to strangers and learning about other people who I may never meet.

I remember a few years ago I was in a deep state of depression for a full week. Somehow I stumbled upon a website called recolor, which was this forum where you made a little avatar and when you made post it would pop up as a big bubble next to your character. Lowkey I thought I had found a fun place to hangout on the internet but really the site was just a shithole for immature little kids to drop spam all day. My best friend joined the site and not long after started a roleplay that never really went anywhere. That could possibly be my fault because at some point I started to log in less and less on recolor due to boredom and shit post.

I’m not sure why I go out of my way to find these strange forums and chat rooms when I feel lonely but I always do. Like literally I just downloaded kik for the third time just so I can scour the chatrooms to see if anyone is talking about something interesting. You can learn a lot from strangers but not so much from people on the internet. I find myself lost in the sea of words that 50 other people are posting all at once. It’s usually a tiresome endeavor and whatever forum, app, or site that I signed up for to fill that empty feeling gets thrown away like a rotten vegetable.

Guess I better hop on kik.

~keep it all smiles~