I often ask myself when I am going about my day, “What is life?”
I mean, what am I really doing here? I wake up, take care of my hygiene, get on the computer and then skate. On days I got school, I’ll do some studying and may even knock out my homework but thats it. I am literally doing nothing that makes me feel like I have accomplished something. I used to daydream a lot back in high school of where I would be by the age of 22 or 23. Here I am 20, still living with my parents, have no car, no credit, or anything that can say “Hey, this man is finically stable.” I feel miserable everyday I get up and do shit. The only thing in life that makes me feel complete and content with life is skateboarding. Even with skateboarding I run into problems such as falling or the weather decides to switch up. I still have my family all in my ear saying that I should stop skateboarding and because some sucker ass lawyer but what fun would that be?
The point is, the idea…the dream…the whatever the hell I had when I was younger has fizzled away and I’ve become another product of the lower class society in America. I’m considered a rebel, a kid who has chosen to go against the system and is called a hipster. Yeah, I said it, but I look like a bum so the word Hipster doesn’t even cut it. More like another “nigga” walking the face of this earth. I’ve also come across a shit ton of conclusions, I’ll list them below,
- I’ve failed at life
- Have a hard time talking to females
- My family is against my dreams in life
- UPS hates my existence = my job sucks
- and a bunch of other shit I’d rather not name
The shit I’m naming off and complaining about is probably the same bullshit many other young adults are going through. But is it really like this? Are we supposed to suffer and work long strenuous hours, maxing out our mental capacity’s?! And for what?! What I am doing right now that is benefiting me in any way, shape or form? I’m fucking trying man…I’m fucking trying. Every time I turn around my dads in my face about his business, my mom is asking for money, and my sister is being rude to people by not speaking. Why can’t I simply have one good day? One day where I can just skate and come home to a meal and my lady making my favorite pie?
I remember asking my friend Danny what the meaning of life is. He told me that life is a blank canvas and you can paint anything. I thought about it and was like “Wow, I fucking suck at art.”
Tell us about the experience of being outside, looking in — however you’d like to interpret that.
The inner circle to most people sounds like a secret organization that is with-holding information on world domination. To me, its just a group of people who have gained a certain popular status among peers in a social setting creating the illusion of the “cool” kids.
Being that person that is outside of it all makes most feel left out. I never felt like that way, I was that guy who wanted to sneak in and destroy the reputation and image created by the inner circle groups and taunt people with my conspicuous actions. As bad as that sounds I never got around to it, I made my owner inner circle of odd people and went on about my day.
I’m always the guy that is outside looking in. I mean what the fuck do I need to go inside for when this gives me the opportunity to criticize, stereotype or just let me create my own explanation of why these people choose to stay inside of a circle of oppression.
I understand that I am getting a little too deep but I want people to really think so they can have a different mind set on life. I did the thinking at some point and I am extraordinarily happy that I did. We shouldn’t have to be standing outside looking in. We need to be looking around.
Why must the world be split and contained in small little sectors full of morons with the power to control people? Why must happiness and fulfillment be on the other side of a locked door? Why do we get treated like donkeys with a fucking key in front of our faces as we walk through life aimlessly trying to grab it?
Do you see what SOCIETY HAS DONE!
My room is a box. There’s no air vents so I have to use an electric heater to heat my room up during the winter months. I just cut it off so I can let the cold air take over my room.
Once again I am in the middle of my room sitting down with my tablet in one hand and a plate of Vienna sausages in the other. I’ve been stuck in the house all day doing nothing productive but sitting in my room browsing the internet, Trying to make friends. My dad came home earlier and yelled at me about not figuring out how to open some damn word file. He’s been doing this for a month now. I’ve grown tired of it, contemplating on moving out and dealing with room mates. But the free room and manuel labor with my dads business is what keeps me here.
My dad went on a rant earlier about how he doesn’t know who me and my sister are. Claiming we are just reincarnations of past people. I believe him. He had me Google a book that he heard on the radio thats about children who have memories of past lives. It got me really thinking about who I really am and who the person I was before this life. I know for sure that I am reincarnated. I’m hoping that once I find out who I used to be then I can finally get the answers to why I love to skateboard so much and why I’m the person I am today.
Other than me wondering who I really am, I paid half of my school debt. Apparently I owe those bitches 800 something. I only paid half and plan to call and make sure the other half isn’t a mistake. God I hate college.
Well I have been keeping up with the weather as usual and this cold spell that we are entering is no joke. The temperatures are dropping well below zero!
I asked my dad the other day if he wanted me to salt the driveway because I would much rather not shovel 3 feet of snow out of the driveway. He told me no, which really has my nerves itching because there is supposed to be a “cold snap” which is going to freeze the rain that has been falling all day. The snow is practically on its way. I’m pretty sure by the time I am finished with this post I’ll start seeing flurries fall. Then I’ll watch those flurries turn into huge snow flakes.
I remember last year how I was really excited for this bad winter. I heard from several people that it was going to be bad but I didn’t know that the temperatures were going to drop like they are going to tonight. The wind chill is supposed to be around -30. This worries me because I am part of UPS’s deice crew and if I end up going into the bucket to spray deice fluid on planes, I will certainly freeze my ass off.
They always say be careful of what you wish for; I wished for a lot of snow and hell, the whole entire east coast its getting a HUGE snow storm.
I wonder if this will be like the snow storm of 94?
ps: I’ll be blogging photos of the winter wonderland later tonight!
I personally think that this year is going to be a great year! They say that life is what you make it so this year I’m going to lay my foot down and pave my path out myself instead of someone else doing it for me. Last year had its ups and downs but this year looks bright for me and my friends. We’re all getting paid, we all have good goals and right now we are all achieving them. It feels great knowing that you’re whole crew is doing well. We may not have stepped into the new year with a huge bang but we don’t need no overwhelming party to make the next 365 days memorable ones. My head is still foggy from earlier so I’ll make a much more clearer post about this new start of life here on earth later today if I remember to do so. haha!
Have fun everyone and make this your year as well!
Peace. Love. Skate (PLS)
Heart. Honor. Respect (HiiiPower)
As I sit here in the middle of my room typing this, I feel the wholeness of this world surround me and engulf the pain and fear of life. Everyday is more of a challenge due to society’s stress upon my brain and my fathers persistent badgering of help with his company. I’m 20 years old with no aim in life. My only true passion is skateboarding and life has done all its can to slow down my progression.
In my current down time I’ve done nothing but mope around the house, stream social media sites and have taken little time towards my code academy account. I also got bad news from school. I failed a class. I owe those fuckers $432. Fucking jerk offs.
To add to my stress I’ve made it through my 3rd peek season at UPS. This year had to be the worse yet, with volume staggering over 2 million a night. Everything is taking a tole on me. My soul is tainted with happiness and anger, my positive mindset has been tarnished, my life goals have been put on hold.
I’ve started smoking black n milds to cope with the stress. Its a habit I picked up on my 20th birthday while floating in the clouds. I dearly regret it but fuck it, quicker way to leave earth right?
It makes me tear up just as little while I straddle my stuffed animal and sit in the middle of the floor. I just want to know why the world is so cold and why when I try I fail even more. I have higher hopes for the new hear but right now, I just want to sit here in the middle of my four corned room and sob a little over my failed attempt at life.
Maybe I’ll get it right next time…
Remember a couple months ago when I made those deep, drawn out, sad, sappy blog post about my break up with my ex? That shit was real. I was messed up from that. I stopped skateboarding for an entire week. I LOVE TO SKATEBOARD!!! I was in terrible shape. Now…Things have changed. I feel better about everything and I am happy and content with life.
I did some really hard thinking about my past relationship and I honestly think that it just wasn’t for us. Yes I really did love her, deeply. But in the end and through all the bullshit, I feel like that wasn’t for us. I think there is someone else in this world of 7 billion people that will fit for us. I’m not gonna go on here and bash her or anything, yeah I feel like she did me wrong but I am glad she broke it off. I really just wanna remain good friends.
My life is good right now, I get to chill with my friends, talk and meet new people, explore the world and do what I feel like I want without worrying about someone worrying about me. I know that sounds bad but at this point in my life, I’m 20. I have a decade to find someone and explore the world. I’m not a man-whore so there won’t be no wiener going around. haha!
Well I’m off to make some deep philosophical post so stay tuned.
I know I know, I’ve been off and on here lately. So what? Its not like anyone reads my blog anyway.
So I know what you’re thinking, the title sounds great for a poem that has every line starting with “I Will” I’m sorry to tell you this but you are wrong. I’m going to take a little time out of my night to stop and explain what I will do for the rest of this year.
To make this sound professional I will start it off like this…
- I WILL complete all course assignments in my college classes.
A hard task that is but it is something that I will be doing. For the few of you that do not know, I failed my first semester of college. Everyone was disappointed in me. My girlfriend scolded me, my cousin cursed, I got all sorts of words thrown at me. The only thoughts that came to my head was, “Why didn’t I just drop my failing classes”, and “Why didn’t I try harder?”. I can go on and try to redeem myself and give a bullshit excuse but it won’t cut it. I didn’t apply myself like I should have and just didn’t make time for it. I really wish I would have listened to my family and my encouraging girlfriend to focus on school and get it done. So now I have to start clean with just a few credits under my belt and try my best to get these classes out of the way so I can make room for the next set.
- I WILL become a better person.
I’m not crazy or anything, I just want to become a better person to society. I feel like society needs someone who can step up in any weather and lead the way. My first goal in to becoming a better person is to do community service. My girlfriend has gone on and on about me not doing community service and how it will make a difference in my life and as well in others. So I’m going to do it, I just have to go online and search up some community service events that are going on in my city. I WILL APPLY MYSELF.
- I WILL start a small business.
I am sooo TIRED of selfish people at work! I’m not going to go into the full story online but I need to make money on the side so I can work less at UPS. People at work just piss me off. There is so much drama and all people care about is their money. So MY GOAL for the remaining of this year is to start a small window cleaning business. I have experience in it and my “Swirl” is on point! I just feel like I don’t need to depend on someone else to make money. My long term goal in life is to work for myself because being a slave to someone else’s company isn’t what I want to be. Even if its something I enjoy doing I still don’t want someone to have the power to fire me or demote me when they want to and how they want to. I already hate that feeling at UPS. Its ridiculous.
Well folks, that’s all I will do. I plan on skateboarding a whole lot and getting a video together!
ps. It was around this time of the year when I started my blog so HAPPY ANNIVERSARY EXPLODING ROCK!
You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally?
At this stage in my life I need to make a major change but procrastination has hit me hard and has not let me do anything. My lack of responsibility is hurting me and the only way I can get out of this comfort zone I’m in is to just go forward and do it. They way I’m taking on this this major change is in small increments. I should really just do it all at once and force myself to do it but the way my head is programmed right now I just can’t do it. Its really hard to get changed in my life, if someone close passed away I would be stricken and would be in a depression for quite sometime. If I work hard now and try to over come procrastination and my lack of change than things that come in life wouldn’t effect me in a terrible way.
Right now in the position that I am in, the major change that I need to do is get my school stuff figured out so I can go back to school. I failed 2 classes and I’m on financial hold until I can fix my fafsa and some other stuff. At first I was like oh crap, let me get this stuff out of the way, but now I’m just slacking and sitting on my ass doing nothing but blogging about life adventures. It sucks bad, i really need to get up and do something…
(I’m going to stop here because writing about major change that I need to do right now is not helping. I need to get up, get out and do something)
I’m trying to find the light but all the shades is down and sh**
My thoughts are on fire but my mind is just a ship.
Floating out in sea and drifts away when wind hits
Countless lives lost for god forsaken crippling bits
I’m confused on situations that require money and trust
But lust for even more that has my head pounding and all that stuff
Crying to my self just so I can see it wash it away
Its stays like a storm pouring down tons of rain
I wish I can be better but there’s nothing left to give
If I slit my wrist then friends will pop bottles, pour and piss
Tough enough for small endeavors, weak just to fall astray
Can’t hold on tight cus the tears of pain have soaked my hands with shame
My dark thoughts shadow down the beams of warm light, I’ve never seen God but I hope that God is nice
I’ll never say him or her or prefer God as an it, beliefs in mythical practice have made people jump ship
The large waves of death come and take over all, as humans fall we seek answers to life and all