i just want to be understood

I NEED TO CHANGE.

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.

But why?

I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.

For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.

Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.

Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!

embarrassing.

The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.

~ keep it all smiles

Emotional Wreck. Pt. 1 (deaTh & REbirth)

Challenge accepted but left alone in it’s death.

Have you ever wondered where we travel once we leave? Is it a long road or a long tree…do you heave?

Do the clouds remain the same or do the names change with age?

Theres no one here if you don’t belong so how about a song to fill your ears?

The emptiness of emotions compel the weak mind to contribute what isn’t available.

So what happens when we leave?

Do you know?

I guess time will tell after one or two bullet holes.

Read a MOTHA’FUCKIN Book

Remember that song by lil John that came out around 2005-2006? All he did was yell “READ A BOOK!” Many years later as I reflect on that song those words of wisdom by lil John have inspired me to read… More.

I’ve struggled to keep a consistent schedule reading. I’ll start a book and be happily attached to it for a good month. After 30 days I grow tired and think less about the book and next thing I know I’m back to reading random bullshit online.

What I find crazy is that I can delve into these weird news stories on the internet, take some time to read a page of Lore on ESO, then scroll through countless news feeds trying to correct other people’s grammar. As technology grows and we become more reliant on Search, News Feeds, and Instagram pictures, we lose focus on what technology is really here for, to Aid us.

We have an endless supply of information geared toward us but what AI scripts and algorithms provide us with are articles about stuff we like, but not stuff we should check out… If that makes any sense.

You would think at this point in my life with all these screens in front of me and everyone else in the world, I would read more. Ya know like a book with substance or an educational magazine, yet I stay posted on Facebook and Reddit scrolling away my life as I skim through horribly worded comments and upvotes.

With that said, I’m going to subscribe to Blinkist to train myself to read more. I think my problem stems from anticipating the end of a book and I get overwhelmed and give up on even trying to finish. With Blinkist I’ll get the core facts I want and also read a bite size portion of an entire book.

How great is that?

I’m ghost for now.

~keep it all smiles

Hi Again

Well it’s been sometime since I have shared some of my mind on my little home on the internet. Nothing hasn’t changed other than the fact that I play waaay too much Elder Scrolls Online. I have gotten better at producing and you’ll hear that on the new music I will release later this year.

Other than that I’m signing off and will come back when I got some stories to tell. Can’t keep this place looking dry.