i just want to be understood

I NEED TO CHANGE.

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.

But why?

I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.

For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.

Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.

Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!

embarrassing.

The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.

~ keep it all smiles

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