anxiety – exploding rock™

Today I found out one of my employees is going to have a baby. He’s an older fellow but I’m happy for him. I wish the best for his family and that UPS supplies the best insurance and money because you know we’re all kind of experiencing the struggle these days.

It was a rather easy night but this week has been kinda rough since my anxiety disorder has decided to creep up on me. I’ve been tired for the last few days and have experienced small but sometimes startling panic attacks. I’ve been good for the past two months without having to take my medicine but I guess life is finally taking ahold of me again. What I don’t understand is why didn’t I go through any of this last month? If you are a follower of my blog you would know that I am a De-Ice coordinator at UPS. I haven’t really blogged about it in a while or maybe I haven’t mentioned it but to make a long story short, my job can get really stressful.

I basically control chaos.

I had this same conversation with one of my good friends who suffers from anxiety and he told me that the symptoms typically settle when you’re calm and relaxing, which is a tad bit infuriating. It’s usually when my mind is calm and at ease that my anxiety is triggered and I begin to panic and feel the impeding sense of doom. That has been the last few days for me, I’ve been tired, feeling dizzy at times, sometimes faint, or tense. Anxiety is shitty if you ask me but I just gotta keep on truckin’. I’ve been prescribed medication but it isn’t daily because my wonderful Doctor gave me the choice of naturally dealing with it. She suggested meditation which I highly advocate but just haven’t committed myself to the practice.

I’ve opted to listen to anxiety relief music which helps at times and I enjoy the tunes very much through headphones.

But that is all for now. I’ll be back soon to talk more.

~ keep it all smiles

I NEED TO CHANGE.

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.

But why?

I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.

For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.

Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.

Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!

embarrassing.

The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.

~ keep it all smiles

Tag: anxiety

I’ma keep on truckin’

i just want to be understood