Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.
I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.
For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.
Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.
Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!
The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.
We’re only in the first half of the year and already so much has happened. It’s kinda hard for me to wrap my head around these social constructs that I have either been drawn into or have already taken part in. I can’t really complain about much though, this is how life goes, you just got to play your cards right and hope for the best.
Waking up at 2pm is a myth to me. I typically stay up until 8 or 9am and sleep until 5pm. Sounds exciting right? A life like this is kind of boring when the only social activities available are at night with people you see in an allotted time.
I wish I could see my friends on the regular. It’s not like I can’t right now but I honestly don’t feel like getting up at noon to hang out with my friends who will have to go into work a few hours later. Maybe I’m just over thinking this and it’s really not that difficult. Only thing is, I make everything difficult so it doesn’t matter.
Why can’t we just all be on the same shift? I think my friends and I should just quit our current jobs and find a new one so we can be on the same shift. It’s just weird how much we yearn for human interaction. We all want to converse with others and make a connection. Even my anti social ass wants to mingle with people and be apart of a social construct. I wonder why life is this way.
I would like to assume it’s like this because of our ultimate goal of trying to conquer suffering and free ourselves from this hurtful earth.
I’ll go about it plain and simple with a whole lot of extra stuff because that’s how I be.
I want a girlfriend. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I feel lonely, but whatever. I just do. Now having a significant other has been a thought that’s been in my mind ever since I was young. I want to blame it on how we look at humanity and and this whole relationship thing but I really don’t know. The fact of the matter is, I think it’s a humanly thing and right now at the age of 24 thats what has been on my mind. Right now in life I just want to focus on my creativity and let that flourish but I feel like the “wanting” of a “lover” in my world is hindering me.
I cannot fully say that the thought is destroying me because I just turn around and make another song, but when I hear my music it’s all the same bullshit just told differently over beats. I got this weird ass feeling of settlement and wanting to have the rock next to me holding me up. When I stop and look at how I am towards others, I begin to question if I am even ready. Like I’m totally the guy who believes that everything happens for a reason, so I never really tell myself something isn’t going to happen because at the end of the day we don’t know.
Right now I got a crush on a girl though. Haven’t even tried to display the confidence in wanting to get to know her because I’m a wimp. I build up my thoughts and always let the shit crash when there’s nothing else left to be added. That’s what I’ve done at this point. My hopes are very high but for no reason. I bitch out when I want to say anything and the conversation dies. I….. I’m just a fearful human who lets his emotions control how he interacts with other humans.
no point in giving up though.
i got hit by a car in september and i’m still alive.
there is something here on earth for me to accomplish.
i must achieve.
ps. heine bros
pps. .. i need to get a life because seriously, i just skate, rap, and make beats.
I remember when I was much smaller I wanted a computer SOOO bad.
Everyone I knew had one.
On top of that, when people started getting cell phones I was last to get one. On the boot of it, I had to pay for my minutes because I wasn’t on my parents monthly plan.
Now that I have grown a lot older, I have managed to achieve those goals I had as a small child. I have a computer, smartphone, and a tablet that are all synced together. I am practically connected to every way that you could possibly access the internet, which was so precious to me when I was younger. Precious because I didn’t have access to it, knowing that all of my friends were on websites playing games and chopping it up in chat rooms.
Here I am years later with all the technology that I could possibly dream of and all I do is sit on facebook. My post are vulgar, full of errors and out right rants. I share memes, videos, and goofy pictures of my friends. I scroll hours at a time looking at pointless post that don’t mean a hill of beans in my life.
THIS is what I do each and every day, burning countless hours of my life in a virtual world where not one person can sincerely care about you. Status updates saying I’m depressed, countless unchecked notifications becasue it was just a “Like.”
this is what i do
I’m not sure if I like this. I have found myself lately finding joy in reading a book, minus the ebook part. I’ve been trying to find ways that I can be more productive and manage my time in a such a manner, that will allow me to accel forward.
The moral of this story is, my life is consumed in a bunch of likes, shares, and rude comments from characters who think the earth is flat. This is not what I envisioned. I honestly saw myself later on down the road as one of those nerds who spent a lot of time on Secondlife interacting with strangers who just want to dance to EDM music DJ’d by a guy in Guam.
I’m just saying.
Point being, I got what I want but now I don’t use it for what I initially intended it for.
I’m one shy fellow. I sometimes wish I wasn’t because I’d like to persue a few relationships but my shyness destroys everything. Kind of like when Michael Jackson would be on live TV getting interviewed, you could just tell that he was nervous.
I wander through life wishing she could be in my Cadillac Dreams but unfortunately I’m just not strong willed enough to do anything. So instead I awkwardly stare from the distance as the rush of boxes pass. My life is a strange world. The internet serves to reject me while creating memes out of the weak ones.
Can you guys believe that March is almost over? It’s the damn 28th and my homework is due tomorrow at 11:59PM. April is just around the corner and you know what that means…ONLY A MONTH until MAY! I like May for all sorts of reasons, mainly because of the Kentucky Derby. Beer and weed is all we need around here! Going back over to April, Thunder Over Louisville kicks off which pretty much asserts that the Derby is on the way.
I’m constantly dreaming all the time about moving somewhere else and living life in a different city but there’s one thing for certain, I have to come back to Louisville. Maybe I’ll have two home? Who knows, I just like this time of year due to the fact that the entire city gears up for one of the biggest parties the world has seen! I mean we got fireworks, race horse’s, Bourbon, I mean shit! These are good times and things will get better as all of my homies progress and move forward with our lives as we should. I been doing a lot of thinking lately and have decided that once I barely make it out this semester of College in this terrible Algebra class, I’m not going back. I’ve been bitching and moaning a lot about college and now I have realized that I have more opportunities than just a piece of paper declaring that I have an Associates.
You may have seen me talk about this on my blog before but I plan on going to Code Louisville. It’s a programming course that’s free and it’s held at the public Library downtown. I’m gonna enroll so I can learn to program and get the hell out of UPS. As the days go on, I’ve begun to realize that this loop I’m in is getting old and that I won’t be rapping in a Garage forever.
Other than that, have a good Monday night and let this week bring you Good Fortune!
I grabbed my TV dinner out of the microwave. Another successful night in the books and now it is time to enjoy the freedoms that life has to offer, but only for a second. At least thats what the time between work and school feels like. Its always been like this; for some years now. I don’t feel nothing new, its all just the same. Life seems to come and go around the same circle its been on and I haven’t really changed it.
Sure I’ve done some cool things but I feel like there is more out here for me to achieve but I’m being held back. Trying to figure out whats holding me back is the question. I can’t say its really a constant battle of trying to find myself but I don’t know.
This TV dinner isn’t all that I expected, its pretty nasty.
Anyways, minus the fact that I use the word Anyways for multiple paragraphs though out my blog, I think I understand.
When it comes to skateboarding I love the sport. It gives me the freedom and space I need to roll around in a concrete jungle. Its always a pleasure to meet other skaters and build connections. One thing that I always questions is when the younger kids. Theres a little boy across the street from me who just got a skateboard for Christmas. As he rolled back and forth on his front porch I wondered, “How good will he get? Will he turn pro?” I always ask that becasue during my journey on a skateboard I have watched people who could barely ride a board, shred the bowls better than me at the skatepark.
Its always a fascinating thought when it crosses my mind. I get engulfed in the future and what it has in store for skaters all around. I wonder if other people think the same thing too?
2015 was a good year. It was a learning experience and a great time. I met a lot of great people and I am glad to have run into them. 2016 will be a new year full of excitement and more learning. The goal is to never stop learning and to keep pushing forward because living in the past keeps you at bay.
My goals for the new year are simple. I plan to crack open more books, blog waaay more than usual, get a sponsorship as a skateboarder, and watch my rap career flourish. Right now my list is looking tough but I never said that my goals would be easy. Theres so much in the world I need to get done right now its not even funny.
As long as I stay focused and keep going nothing can stop me.