qwerty with these dorito fingers

I’m trying to think of ways to get my mind back on track. Theres nothing wrong with me other than … never mind. Look, I’m here because I’m struggling. I’m just trying to live ya know? Isn’t this what we all want? A life? A future?

I find it quite hard to be intent and in the moment. Meditation used to work for me a long time ago but that slowly faded away. I’m not sure why but theres this feeling I can’t shake and I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand the fear and where it comes from. Why must everything come down to the decisions I make and why do I constantly stress over the small factors?

Peace isn’t just a dream but a reality. I achieved it once. Lasted for just a millisecond but the fact of the matter is, I did it. The feeling was wonderful, I can remember it vaguely but deep down I want to be right there again. Right now I’m just fixated on someone and it’s like, why? Why can’t I just have those moments where their not at the forefront of my mind.

this wasn’t proof read, i don’t care

~ keep it all smiles

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i just want to be understood

I NEED TO CHANGE.

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.

But why?

I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.

For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.

Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.

Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!

embarrassing.

The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.

~ keep it all smiles

a stoner is…

A stoner is nothing more than an individual seeking to attain peace that cannot be found in this reality. In other words, this world is fucked up and full of influences. Reefer kinda filters that shit.

~ keep it all smiles

My Bornday Came Again

The month of November is here and yet I’m 14 days late on updating my blog. For whatever excuse that I will use, just know that it’s invalid and I probably made it up as I wrote along.

Instead of tossing an excuse, I would like to throw out there for everyone to know that this past election day it was my birthday again.

Yes, my birthday landed on the day that Trump claimed the one and only important seat in the White House (how disappointing right?). What I find funny about all of this is that every chance I got leading up to my birthday I told someone that I was to turn a year older on election day and would ask silly questions like “What places are open on election day?” To say the least, the very last time I voted was the first time I voted and I got my boy Obama in there for his 2nd term. Now how in the hell do we go from “Change” to “Make America White Again!” This shit just doesn’t make any bit of sense but dumb americans just gobble that crap up.

I can’t say that I don’t care who is in office because I went to Downtown Louisville after 8pm on a Thursday to march the streets with a bunch of other upset protesters. We chanted everything from “Love Trumps hate” to “Pussy grabs back.” But does pussy really grab back?

Besides the whole election mess, I had a good vacation week. Let me remind you that I work 7 days a week, so having an entire week to myself where I can take time to reflect on my life and plan out where I need to go next was nice. Unfortunately when it came to making music I had a serious case of writer’s block and didn’t get a damn word out of myself until Saturday came. Surprisingly this entire weekend I’ve been in this huge creative writing mood. Not to mention I’ve finally started NaNoWriMo and like the description says, it’s my worst nightmare. But man oh man, I can’t believe that the first half of November is gone. Next week is Thanksgiving and I can’t WAIT!

I just need to clean my room so I can feel accomplished.

~ Keep it all smiles

 

Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First (bish wut?)

Okay now its my turn.

I read this article all the way through and thought to myself, “Hey, the friend zone isn’t all what its made out to be.” I’ve never been friend zoned but the main point of this article is not about the friend zone. Its about building a standing relationship with someone.

Now the only problem that I had while reading this is that “We” the men are supposed to go out of are way and work our asses off to get to know the female. Yes this is true but the relationship will not work unless the opposite sex is doing the same too. So if I’m trying to figure out what kind of Chinese Food she likes, she needs to be learning whether or not I want the Soy Sauce on my rice or egg rolls.

Last but not least, I don’t like the name “Friend Zone.” I feel like females have turned that name into something guys don’t want to hear. I mean hell, when I see the friend zone I see the opposite of what exactly is supposed to happen. I see the female talking to every guy leading a bunch on and all this other nonsense. I think we should change the name to “We are Friends Right Now” or something.

The article of which I am writing about is down below for you to check out.

~ Keep it all smiles

_____________________________________________________

Time is the ultimate test.

Source: Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First

the letter x

Today was the day you’re phone service got cut off. I went to school a whole week dreaming and fantasizing. Then Friday came and I got a text message. My reaction was stupid. Your intentions were ignorant. But I’ve been over it.
 
I’m just appalled by the fact that you sent a text message. Do you know what they shows of you as a human being? A pathetic piece of shit. Like seriously, you are a pathetic piece of shit. I never was depressed. I never shed a tear. I literally went into deep thought trying to figure out what the hell happened.
 
But its okay, I new we weren’t meant for each other. I knew from the snaps and the text. I knew from the few phone calls and the awkward outings.
 
Why does this bother me though? Because you didn’t have the guts to look me in the eyes and make that final connection. That final connection that would cut us off from one another.
 
This is why I sent those text a month after so I could get you to purposely hate me. I didn’t want you to like me nor do I want you to now. Not to mention you wanted to friend zone me.
 
So fuck you.
 
ps. That screen shot of that “Love Note” was delusional thinking. I never felt that way. NEVER. im being serious.

The Leaves are Still Hanging

I love fall.

No not for pumpkin spice lattes because I prefer Colt 45 and Tops rolling papers, but because of the change in weather. Don’t get me wrong, I love summer to the fullest, long days of nice sunlight and skateboarding. The one thing I love about living in Louisville, KY is the fact that we experience seasons. Many other people do as well but if you live out on Long Beach snow is a myth.

Any ways, entering Fall is always exciting. Its like opening a door to a road that allows you to see Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. Not to mention that the weather slowly begins to cool down and the leaves change colors. Its all a sight to see and a wonderful experience. I feel like the reality of everything around me changed as well. Its like my surroundings are accommodating to the astronomical presence of Fall. Yeah I know, flowers die off and birds fly south but those are common things. Its hard for me to really explain my feelings towards this but to keep it simple and short, Fall is awesome.

Can I Say Hello Jane?

Its funny, don’t even know you but I think about you
You’re on my mind, all the time I’ve even dreamed about you
Could be desire or my lust but it don’t make a difference
Thought about an old lady but your beauty is my witness
Can’t even figure it out, what am I doing dawg!
All I do is look and pretend the room is full of smog
So I don’t think you’re looking, or even try to catch a glimpse
Everything inside my head is fantasy, never real as shit
I gotta stop stalling but I say its too late
I sometimes catch a glance but get scared and just over think
I need to stop acting like a kid and just spit it out
But life ain’t what it seems and the walls begin to pile around…