Closing My Eyes To Pee

I never really have a plan of attack. My gun shoots aimlessly until I strike something. Usually that never happens though and I end up sitting on the curb with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of fiji in the other.

To be more clear, when it comes to life my agenda has no plans. Ideas live inside of my head but the outcomes are always faulty which results in me trying to rewire circuitry that I didn’t intend on creating. This slow trot to a better life has been gruelling. Have you ever had to consider two or more options but get stuck on one of them that doesn’t give you any purpose? Does life know that?

Considering the fact that at this point I might sound crazy, I deem the world around me as the biggest distraction and try whole heartedly to beg for my own forgiveness for the sins I indulge in. Can you see the plot thicken? The walls closing in with no doors to escape? Thats how it works in my mind. From the times I sit there and try to plan ahead I’m pushed aside by fears and social anxieties. The smell of her hair, the scuff on his shoe, the coffee that was spilled. I’m constantly being filled with the awful of idea of life but then I realize that this game is more than me. It’s more than us and the person behind the computer. It’s more then the generator that pushes the train forward.

But what could this be? What could this blockage amounting to thousands upon THOUSANDS of foiled plans really be?

My answer is just as good as yours. We are both lost and that is why when I stare at my agenda I don’t know what I’m looking at. I see nothing but the void of life and candle wax dripping on the side of a pornstars tit.

~ keep it all smiles ~

qwerty with these dorito fingers

I’m trying to think of ways to get my mind back on track. Theres nothing wrong with me other than … never mind. Look, I’m here because I’m struggling. I’m just trying to live ya know? Isn’t this what we all want? A life? A future?

I find it quite hard to be intent and in the moment. Meditation used to work for me a long time ago but that slowly faded away. I’m not sure why but theres this feeling I can’t shake and I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand the fear and where it comes from. Why must everything come down to the decisions I make and why do I constantly stress over the small factors?

Peace isn’t just a dream but a reality. I achieved it once. Lasted for just a millisecond but the fact of the matter is, I did it. The feeling was wonderful, I can remember it vaguely but deep down I want to be right there again. Right now I’m just fixated on someone and it’s like, why? Why can’t I just have those moments where their not at the forefront of my mind.

this wasn’t proof read, i don’t care

~ keep it all smiles

i just want to be understood

I NEED TO CHANGE.

Anxiety is a bitch. It’s a bitch with a fat wet vagina that lures you in because its safe and comfy. Anxiety dictates the motives and practical lives of people every single day.

But why?

I’m tired of living with this constant fear in my head that continues to dictate how I move about in this world. There’s so much for me to do and so much that I want but I have little drive.

For instant, the other day I went to my local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. I show up late in the day, close to 8pm because I work nights. As the lady was filling my cup, the container ran out, so the large coffee I normally get was only half full. She turned around apologizing saying that she can just charge me half the price or wait for some new coffee to be made. She also added “You look a little busy so…” Of course I didn’t say anything and just accepted the large half full cup of coffee and went on with my day.

Why didn’t I just tell her “Oh it’s fine, no rush, I’ll wait” or just anything that would indicate “HEY I WANT THIS THING FILLED TO THE TOP!” Instead I walked away… fast, to pretend I was busy knowing I wasn’t.

Theres also this girl I like… at the same place. But once again, anxiety rules the day and keeps my mouth closed, letting my voice sound like a mere whisper and having to repeat myself over and over. I mean shit, the woman thought I said I went to go Pee with my friends!

embarrassing.

The only time I am able to conquer anxiety and let who I am shine at the forefront is when I smoke weed, riding my skateboard, or rapping. Other than that, the person who is typing this is hiding behind the finger tips of a growing human waiting for the day he leaves earth with hopes of at least accomplishing something.

~ keep it all smiles

My Bornday Came Again

The month of November is here and yet I’m 14 days late on updating my blog. For whatever excuse that I will use, just know that it’s invalid and I probably made it up as I wrote along.

Instead of tossing an excuse, I would like to throw out there for everyone to know that this past election day it was my birthday again.

Yes, my birthday landed on the day that Trump claimed the one and only important seat in the White House (how disappointing right?). What I find funny about all of this is that every chance I got leading up to my birthday I told someone that I was to turn a year older on election day and would ask silly questions like “What places are open on election day?” To say the least, the very last time I voted was the first time I voted and I got my boy Obama in there for his 2nd term. Now how in the hell do we go from “Change” to “Make America White Again!” This shit just doesn’t make any bit of sense but dumb americans just gobble that crap up.

I can’t say that I don’t care who is in office because I went to Downtown Louisville after 8pm on a Thursday to march the streets with a bunch of other upset protesters. We chanted everything from “Love Trumps hate” to “Pussy grabs back.” But does pussy really grab back?

Besides the whole election mess, I had a good vacation week. Let me remind you that I work 7 days a week, so having an entire week to myself where I can take time to reflect on my life and plan out where I need to go next was nice. Unfortunately when it came to making music I had a serious case of writer’s block and didn’t get a damn word out of myself until Saturday came. Surprisingly this entire weekend I’ve been in this huge creative writing mood. Not to mention I’ve finally started NaNoWriMo and like the description says, it’s my worst nightmare. But man oh man, I can’t believe that the first half of November is gone. Next week is Thanksgiving and I can’t WAIT!

I just need to clean my room so I can feel accomplished.

~ Keep it all smiles

 

Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First (bish wut?)

Okay now its my turn.

I read this article all the way through and thought to myself, “Hey, the friend zone isn’t all what its made out to be.” I’ve never been friend zoned but the main point of this article is not about the friend zone. Its about building a standing relationship with someone.

Now the only problem that I had while reading this is that “We” the men are supposed to go out of are way and work our asses off to get to know the female. Yes this is true but the relationship will not work unless the opposite sex is doing the same too. So if I’m trying to figure out what kind of Chinese Food she likes, she needs to be learning whether or not I want the Soy Sauce on my rice or egg rolls.

Last but not least, I don’t like the name “Friend Zone.” I feel like females have turned that name into something guys don’t want to hear. I mean hell, when I see the friend zone I see the opposite of what exactly is supposed to happen. I see the female talking to every guy leading a bunch on and all this other nonsense. I think we should change the name to “We are Friends Right Now” or something.

The article of which I am writing about is down below for you to check out.

~ Keep it all smiles

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Time is the ultimate test.

Source: Why You Have To Make Him Sweat It Out In The Friend Zone First