Closing My Eyes To Pee

I never really have a plan of attack. My gun shoots aimlessly until I strike something. Usually that never happens though and I end up sitting on the curb with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of fiji in the other.

To be more clear, when it comes to life my agenda has no plans. Ideas live inside of my head but the outcomes are always faulty which results in me trying to rewire circuitry that I didn’t intend on creating. This slow trot to a better life has been gruelling. Have you ever had to consider two or more options but get stuck on one of them that doesn’t give you any purpose? Does life know that?

Considering the fact that at this point I might sound crazy, I deem the world around me as the biggest distraction and try whole heartedly to beg for my own forgiveness for the sins I indulge in. Can you see the plot thicken? The walls closing in with no doors to escape? Thats how it works in my mind. From the times I sit there and try to plan ahead I’m pushed aside by fears and social anxieties. The smell of her hair, the scuff on his shoe, the coffee that was spilled. I’m constantly being filled with the awful of idea of life but then I realize that this game is more than me. It’s more than us and the person behind the computer. It’s more then the generator that pushes the train forward.

But what could this be? What could this blockage amounting to thousands upon THOUSANDS of foiled plans really be?

My answer is just as good as yours. We are both lost and that is why when I stare at my agenda I don’t know what I’m looking at. I see nothing but the void of life and candle wax dripping on the side of a pornstars tit.

~ keep it all smiles ~

the letter x

Today was the day you’re phone service got cut off. I went to school a whole week dreaming and fantasizing. Then Friday came and I got a text message. My reaction was stupid. Your intentions were ignorant. But I’ve been over it.
 
I’m just appalled by the fact that you sent a text message. Do you know what they shows of you as a human being? A pathetic piece of shit. Like seriously, you are a pathetic piece of shit. I never was depressed. I never shed a tear. I literally went into deep thought trying to figure out what the hell happened.
 
But its okay, I new we weren’t meant for each other. I knew from the snaps and the text. I knew from the few phone calls and the awkward outings.
 
Why does this bother me though? Because you didn’t have the guts to look me in the eyes and make that final connection. That final connection that would cut us off from one another.
 
This is why I sent those text a month after so I could get you to purposely hate me. I didn’t want you to like me nor do I want you to now. Not to mention you wanted to friend zone me.
 
So fuck you.
 
ps. That screen shot of that “Love Note” was delusional thinking. I never felt that way. NEVER. im being serious.

Depression

I’m literally in my room right now with the lights off, drinking luke warm coffee, and holding my bladder for some strange reason. This past week hasn’t been the best for me. I’m not sure why. I’ve been in this depressed state and I don’t like it. I remember when I read the book “The Secret” and learned that if you change your way of thinking, you will change your life. I guess lately since I haven’t been thinking positive happy thoughts, I’ve brought in all the sadness and negativity.

There are some days where I wish to feel like this but I think thats just from being so down and out. I;m good at covering it up though. The only time I open up about it is when I get on here or when I write a song.

Man…

Touche

Never in my life have I ever won

3rd Place don’t count so its said and done

I’m over looked and my actions will never shine

I do my best but even close friends say it wasn’t a try

To myself I’m such a failure and damn I’ll never make it

I try to explain what I’m tryna do but y’all just over think it

I got ideas and found a homie who said he’ll stick to it

Now to add more people along is whats left to it

Lets take this over to another place

I do a lot more but never rewarded is the case

I see them other folk talking loud and doing this and that

How we supposed to be on the same page when you always looking back?

Never knew it was okay to be a hypocrite, people do it all the time why not just go and add to it

Can’t talk to so and so and never go to lil buddies house

Assumptions made but never knew that would lead to a turn about

So don’t be fooled you jealous dudes know how to play the fool

Keep in mind that I’m the coldest cat, Saber tooth

Step in the booth with the blaze cus this is hot fire

A wicked mind with sick thoughts this is live wire

I’m never winning, put my gun down every day

A small victory at stake, touche

Illuminate

Forever getting pushed aside

I Never knew why

But when I get back take the mac squeezed back and laid suckas on they side

No lie, confident, maybe conceited with the thoughts of me dying inside

Getting this together, good or bad weather, still I’m keeping it fly

If you wanna do or die, end up on the ride, to the yard, grave yard you will lye

Despicable thoughts, feeling I fought, taking down Goliath and the big Hulk

So raw, no red meat just flesh to fresh air that’ll make it thaw

In my head I draw, making these words go together like puzzle pieces, theres like 100 dawg

But it really doesn’t matter, I’m keeping things tight like leather on a braud who got 5 dogs

Taking them for a walk, stuck up white folk, in the hood where they hire people to cut the lawn

I‘ve witnessed it all, never like this do I get upset about dumb shit

But I gotta give it to ya straight, taken them curves like the gays mybad but ayeee

That’s their prerogative, go ahead let them do what they do

If you live in my world, people will die even if they jackin for some food

Yessir I’m crazy, but it don’t matter call myself a fuckin genius

I‘m not sorry that I curse, what can be worse, a nigga pull triggers sending people to a plot in a hearse?!

We can take it right there, buts its unfair, I’m gonna stop now before feelings get hurt!

– Milly

Astray

I’m trying to find the light but all the shades is down and sh**

My thoughts are on fire but my mind is just a ship.

Floating out in sea and drifts away when wind hits

Countless lives lost for god forsaken crippling bits

I’m confused on situations that require money and trust

But lust for even more that has my head pounding and all that stuff

Crying to my self just so I can see it wash it away

Its stays like a storm pouring down tons of rain

I wish I can be better but there’s nothing left to give

If I slit my wrist then friends will pop bottles, pour and piss

Tough enough for small endeavors, weak just to fall astray

Can’t hold on tight cus the tears of pain have soaked my hands with shame

My dark thoughts shadow down the beams of warm light, I’ve never seen God but I hope that God is nice

I’ll never say him or her or prefer God as an it, beliefs in mythical practice have made people jump ship

The large waves of death come and take over all, as humans fall we seek answers to life and all