Tag: hate

Closing My Eyes To Pee

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I never really have a plan of attack. My gun shoots aimlessly until I strike something. Usually that never happens though and I end up sitting on the curb with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of fiji in the other.

To be more clear, when it comes to life my agenda has no plans. Ideas live inside of my head but the outcomes are always faulty which results in me trying to rewire circuitry that I didn’t intend on creating. This slow trot to a better life has been gruelling. Have you ever had to consider two or more options but get stuck on one of them that doesn’t give you any purpose? Does life know that?

Considering the fact that at this point I might sound crazy, I deem the world around me as the biggest distraction and try whole heartedly to beg for my own forgiveness for the sins I indulge in. Can you see the plot thicken? The walls closing in with no doors to escape? Thats how it works in my mind. From the times I sit there and try to plan ahead I’m pushed aside by fears and social anxieties. The smell of her hair, the scuff on his shoe, the coffee that was spilled. I’m constantly being filled with the awful of idea of life but then I realize that this game is more than me. It’s more than us and the person behind the computer. It’s more then the generator that pushes the train forward.

But what could this be? What could this blockage amounting to thousands upon THOUSANDS of foiled plans really be?

My answer is just as good as yours. We are both lost and that is why when I stare at my agenda I don’t know what I’m looking at. I see nothing but the void of life and candle wax dripping on the side of a pornstars tit.

~ keep it all smiles ~

the letter x

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Today was the day you’re phone service got cut off. I went to school a whole week dreaming and fantasizing. Then Friday came and I got a text message. My reaction was stupid. Your intentions were ignorant. But I’ve been over it.
 
I’m just appalled by the fact that you sent a text message. Do you know what they shows of you as a human being? A pathetic piece of shit. Like seriously, you are a pathetic piece of shit. I never was depressed. I never shed a tear. I literally went into deep thought trying to figure out what the hell happened.
 
But its okay, I new we weren’t meant for each other. I knew from the snaps and the text. I knew from the few phone calls and the awkward outings.
 
Why does this bother me though? Because you didn’t have the guts to look me in the eyes and make that final connection. That final connection that would cut us off from one another.
 
This is why I sent those text a month after so I could get you to purposely hate me. I didn’t want you to like me nor do I want you to now. Not to mention you wanted to friend zone me.
 
So fuck you.
 
ps. That screen shot of that “Love Note” was delusional thinking. I never felt that way. NEVER. im being serious.

Depression

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I’m literally in my room right now with the lights off, drinking luke warm coffee, and holding my bladder for some strange reason. This past week hasn’t been the best for me. I’m not sure why. I’ve been in this depressed state and I don’t like it. I remember when I read the book “The Secret” and learned that if you change your way of thinking, you will change your life. I guess lately since I haven’t been thinking positive happy thoughts, I’ve brought in all the sadness and negativity.

There are some days where I wish to feel like this but I think thats just from being so down and out. I;m good at covering it up though. The only time I open up about it is when I get on here or when I write a song.

Man…

Touche

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Never in my life have I ever won

3rd Place don’t count so its said and done

I’m over looked and my actions will never shine

I do my best but even close friends say it wasn’t a try

To myself I’m such a failure and damn I’ll never make it

I try to explain what I’m tryna do but y’all just over think it

I got ideas and found a homie who said he’ll stick to it

Now to add more people along is whats left to it

Lets take this over to another place

I do a lot more but never rewarded is the case

I see them other folk talking loud and doing this and that

How we supposed to be on the same page when you always looking back?

Never knew it was okay to be a hypocrite, people do it all the time why not just go and add to it

Can’t talk to so and so and never go to lil buddies house

Assumptions made but never knew that would lead to a turn about

So don’t be fooled you jealous dudes know how to play the fool

Keep in mind that I’m the coldest cat, Saber tooth

Step in the booth with the blaze cus this is hot fire

A wicked mind with sick thoughts this is live wire

I’m never winning, put my gun down every day

A small victory at stake, touche

Illuminate

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Forever getting pushed aside

I Never knew why

But when I get back take the mac squeezed back and laid suckas on they side

No lie, confident, maybe conceited with the thoughts of me dying inside

Getting this together, good or bad weather, still I’m keeping it fly

If you wanna do or die, end up on the ride, to the yard, grave yard you will lye

Despicable thoughts, feeling I fought, taking down Goliath and the big Hulk

So raw, no red meat just flesh to fresh air that’ll make it thaw

In my head I draw, making these words go together like puzzle pieces, theres like 100 dawg

But it really doesn’t matter, I’m keeping things tight like leather on a braud who got 5 dogs

Taking them for a walk, stuck up white folk, in the hood where they hire people to cut the lawn

I‘ve witnessed it all, never like this do I get upset about dumb shit

But I gotta give it to ya straight, taken them curves like the gays mybad but ayeee

That’s their prerogative, go ahead let them do what they do

If you live in my world, people will die even if they jackin for some food

Yessir I’m crazy, but it don’t matter call myself a fuckin genius

I‘m not sorry that I curse, what can be worse, a nigga pull triggers sending people to a plot in a hearse?!

We can take it right there, buts its unfair, I’m gonna stop now before feelings get hurt!

– Milly

Astray

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I’m trying to find the light but all the shades is down and sh**

My thoughts are on fire but my mind is just a ship.

Floating out in sea and drifts away when wind hits

Countless lives lost for god forsaken crippling bits

I’m confused on situations that require money and trust

But lust for even more that has my head pounding and all that stuff

Crying to my self just so I can see it wash it away

Its stays like a storm pouring down tons of rain

I wish I can be better but there’s nothing left to give

If I slit my wrist then friends will pop bottles, pour and piss

Tough enough for small endeavors, weak just to fall astray

Can’t hold on tight cus the tears of pain have soaked my hands with shame

My dark thoughts shadow down the beams of warm light, I’ve never seen God but I hope that God is nice

I’ll never say him or her or prefer God as an it, beliefs in mythical practice have made people jump ship

The large waves of death come and take over all, as humans fall we seek answers to life and all

Life Stories Pt. 1

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I recently just got down reading my post about how I just graduated from high school and it brought back good memories and the day I graduated. I never thought that I would actually miss it but deep down in the darkest place of my heart I do. This isn’t something that you can just push away because it isn’t going any way. Its a story that will be stuck with me for life.

With that being said I would like to announce that I am starting a series called Life Stories. I know I said in my The Begining of The End post that I was going to start a series called The Real World Series but Life Stories sounds way cooler and I think it would fit my life much better. WE all know that this life is the real world but we all don’t seem to know or see the life stories that go on it.

This series will include big moments in my life, my high school graduation is the first to the series but there will be more big events that come my way. I know there will be my big breaks and downfalls but its life and that’s what happens. Whether its happiness or misery it will all be here for you to read. I just want to share it all, the trials and tribulations, the broken bones and the broken skateboards.

Its all coming, See ya!

My Job

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So for the past year and a half I’ve been working at this place called UPS.

Yes you all have heard of this place and know that little catch phrase “What can brown do for you?” Do you wanna know what brown has done for me? Stick a pipe up my butt and said “here’s your paycheck for the week”, which is less than $200. Now you may wonder why I’m still here, well thet’re paying for my schooling and well its money. They start you off at a fairly good amount and the raises isn’t much but it gets me by.

Lately my job is just being a pain in the arse. See last year in July I got transferred to night shift so UPS can start paying for my education, cus you know, that’s what they do. With that I got moved to the North Core, Thumb. I got a new supervisor and a bunch of new faces for me to familiarize myself with. Everything was good except for the stupid white guy who was a parole officer (Gosh I hated him!). Things all turned around when I got moved to a new truck and started making friends, my supervisor was becoming a dick and…well that was all.

The man who we call Jesse is my supervisor, he’s fairly new to the whole supervisor thing and has a bad habit of making stupid decisions. There was a point where I would argue with this man just for kicks and watch him struggle for comebacks and answers. Months of this mans madness escalated when we got a new full time supervisor named Donella, who thought that she could use here degree in Psychology or whatever it was to play with our minds and turn our good friend Quinten into our enemy. She tried that mind crap on me one day while it was peak week. I was complaining to my supervisor about how I didn’t like loading this Ohio truck because it would get slammed with tons of boxes. She overheard our conversation and questioned what I was complaining about, I told her my problem then she said “Oh well don’t worry because at the first of the year I’m going to put y’alls names in a hat and make new posi’s. That right there made me mad and had me ranting to the other employees about Donellas plans. She later found out how upset I was about her idea and began to play her mind games.

She approached me while I was busting my arse and asked me why did I do it? At first I was confused at the question she asked me but than I realized she was talking about my hair. I recently gotten a hair cut, I was rocking an afro before than. She asked again why I did it and I told her that I always do it, than she started rambling on about some meaningless bullshit then wants to question me about a drastic change in life. Since I knew that she was trying to play her mind games I played back with telling her a drastic change in life is DEATH, which it truly is. Apparently death in her head isn’t drastic which pissed me off because the death of a loved one will change someones life. I was getting ready to argue with her but a supervisor from the unload pulled her away for questions. At that very moment I was briskly walking away and headed toward the other trucks with my co-workers in them ready to rant about my interaction with the devil.

Donellas madness soon ended at the beginning of the new year, by then we got a new full time supervisor and a new manager, both of which are very relaxed and subtle.

My time at UPS has been one heck of a time. Getting switched to night shift and working with the graves men is really something else. I’m beginning to think that UPS is really hell tho. There’s so much hate and evil that is inside that place. I here ample amounts of stories about asshole supervisors, transvestites  dope heads, crack heads, parole officers, crazy people and so much more.

This is only the beginning, there is much more for me to see and experience and my blog will be the first to here the wacko stories.

Until next time.

Sorry

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The style and the grace of beauty has never come up

Rivers running over of  love but we don’t show up

The counters full of letters and the gifts we receive, taken for granted all the time the light has shown us brighter things

Invisibility is where I wanna be, holding back emotions and carelessness for the finer things

I’ve never seen such horror, never in my life, tear apart a page and read it twice just so you can say its twice

Even when the camera isn’t got you on the screen, tears fall from your eyes while you cry sitting behind the scenes

I know I’m awkward, my mind is in a different place, I know that I can fix it I love you and put you in first place

Trouble Man, that’s what I am, if you can role with me than you’re with Trouble Man

No time to waste we can go anywhere, Paris or France I don’t care as long as we’re there

My life’s a struggle, I’m moving at much a slower pace

Turtles pass me up and dust me while I’m in last place

But I can do it better then them other guys, balling like Mr. Gates rolling with them suicuides

Yes its choppy, clarity is nothing for it tho, Glass house broken into and all was stolen yo

If I don’t get it back then its all done, I will never give up, never Its all over and done

Now this the type of stuff that make ya wanna get up and tell the world that I love you while we talking on the phone

And this the type of stuff for me to apologize to you and try to fix it cus I’m weird mybad I’ve never done none of this before

I was scared of all the public so I ran from it

The world was all evil so I stood in front of it

I told it all to leave me and my lady alone, they need to watch the throne before I step and stub someones toe

I’m such an idiot why do I mess things up

The meal that I just had was bad so I threw it up

If everything was a lie then I should do or die, keep to my self so we talk, party and have a ball

Life is just a gift and so is love so cherish it like your family and never slip or fall

– Troubled Man