I’m trying to find the light but all the shades is down and sh**
My thoughts are on fire but my mind is just a ship.
Floating out in sea and drifts away when wind hits
Countless lives lost for god forsaken crippling bits
I’m confused on situations that require money and trust
But lust for even more that has my head pounding and all that stuff
Crying to my self just so I can see it wash it away
Its stays like a storm pouring down tons of rain
I wish I can be better but there’s nothing left to give
If I slit my wrist then friends will pop bottles, pour and piss
Tough enough for small endeavors, weak just to fall astray
Can’t hold on tight cus the tears of pain have soaked my hands with shame
My dark thoughts shadow down the beams of warm light, I’ve never seen God but I hope that God is nice
I’ll never say him or her or prefer God as an it, beliefs in mythical practice have made people jump ship
The large waves of death come and take over all, as humans fall we seek answers to life and all
So latley a lot has been going through my head that I seemed to have killed away and have thrown away in my virtual memory trash can. All yesterday I was trippen so bad, later on when I got to the crib and did a little snoopin everything dropped and like I said, it just fatally died. It wasnt really nothing, I just made it seem like a big deal in my head and from a few influences around me, I had this little vision going on that kept replaying over and over agin in my head until I couldn’t take it anymore. What did I do you may ask? Nothing of course becasue once it came to that point I pushed it out of sight and thought about what really mattered and why I am in the predicament I am in today.
People call me a lot of stuff but as Mr. Gary always said to the crazy white girl on the bus “I got thick skin, nothing really gets through to me”. I never really care about what the other low down, got no life, broke as a joke, still living with mama idiots got to say because I keep on reasurring my self that I will be better then them and do bigger and better things then work at Rally’s for the rest of my life in the drive thru lane. They do make me mad at times to the point of me thinking about bashing their hallow heads into a brick wall until it breaks. I haven’t gotten to that point yet so don’t push me.
Its times like that when I look around for a certain someone other then my buddies to go talk to and chill with. It sounds a bit better and a lot more normal. I see it as also companionship and trust, that person always being there for you no matter what.
Seeing me though, I may look like your average nerd wearing the small clothes and not talking to no one. Well you got me all fu** up. Even though you can be someone else but don’t show it dosent mean your that person which I want to be, but that problem that is lurking around the corner striking fear into me always comes to end my shot.
I’ve put lots of thought into it, I dug through all my drafts to pull this one out to finish up what I have been thinking. Something is different now becasue I found a new path of where I can meet up with em. Just by having a simple conversation about pop culture led me to the route which I plan on taking and utilizing from now on. Maybe there is still a chance for me….maybe. I got the rest of the year, time to take action I thought. Although it did make me happy to see the smiling face, at least that is what I in visioned but eh, its ok to dream right? I know I’m a confusing person who can talk as deep as Huey Freeman but I’m a person on a search with no map and no help but my self.
Its just me.