Closing My Eyes To Pee

I never really have a plan of attack. My gun shoots aimlessly until I strike something. Usually that never happens though and I end up sitting on the curb with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of fiji in the other.

To be more clear, when it comes to life my agenda has no plans. Ideas live inside of my head but the outcomes are always faulty which results in me trying to rewire circuitry that I didn’t intend on creating. This slow trot to a better life has been gruelling. Have you ever had to consider two or more options but get stuck on one of them that doesn’t give you any purpose? Does life know that?

Considering the fact that at this point I might sound crazy, I deem the world around me as the biggest distraction and try whole heartedly to beg for my own forgiveness for the sins I indulge in. Can you see the plot thicken? The walls closing in with no doors to escape? Thats how it works in my mind. From the times I sit there and try to plan ahead I’m pushed aside by fears and social anxieties. The smell of her hair, the scuff on his shoe, the coffee that was spilled. I’m constantly being filled with the awful of idea of life but then I realize that this game is more than me. It’s more than us and the person behind the computer. It’s more then the generator that pushes the train forward.

But what could this be? What could this blockage amounting to thousands upon THOUSANDS of foiled plans really be?

My answer is just as good as yours. We are both lost and that is why when I stare at my agenda I don’t know what I’m looking at. I see nothing but the void of life and candle wax dripping on the side of a pornstars tit.

~ keep it all smiles ~

Camo Pants

There is a side of me that my friends do not know about and it’s this blog I have here. I’ve mentioned it a few times before to a couple of buddies but I saw the disinterest.

I like to spend time writing about whatever, it makes me feel good. I can just swiftly dance away in a field of words then step back into the rigid quick rhymes I compose so frequently. The times I feel alone is where I feel at my best because that’s where my mind spills it’s energy into the abyss.

The world is the abyss. The place where shit just so happens to be stumbling around. I never try to cater to what’s around but it’s always like “fuck it,” as I straddle around. I’m just trying to conform in an unconventional way so I can achieve a purpose unsatisfied by my anger. I like to call it lost hate. There’s no template for it, it just is what it is.

So to summarize it all up, as I continue to write I wonder if this is for me or the lonely reader on the internet gazing upon millions of articles. I have nothing special here for you other than my regards and reasons for why I act the way I do. That shits always thrown at ya in a weird way so try not to look for it. I can’t find it either.

~keep it all smiles~

I DON’T WANT TO WRITE ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. YOU HAVE BECOME MY MUSE AND THE TOXICITY IS KILLING ME. IT WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER IF THINGS NEVER WENT THIS ROUTE AND IF I NEVER MADE LOVE SONGS ABOUT YOU. I SCARED PEOPLE NOT TO LONG AGO BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO KILL MYSELF BUT WHY WOULD I DO THAT WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO GO ON WITH YOUR HAPPY LIFE. SUICIDE IS STUPID AND LOVE IS STUPID. I’VE GROWN SO BITTER THAT I HATE IT AND ALL I WANT IS HAPPINESS. I DON’T EVEN LIKE SMOKING CIGARETTES BUT EACH DAY I SMOKE ONE MORE THAN THE DAY PRIOR.

feedback loop hole from hell

I’ve literally wasted hours thinking about you.

Thinking of how to approach you in a way that doesnt make me feel weird.

I want to talk to you, listen to your voice as it soothes my soul.

I want to learn about what makes you tick and how you move about your day.

I want to know what inspires you to live a fulfulled life full of hard work and fun summers.

How do I do that? How do I escape this train of thought that has crashed several times into a brick wall?

Today I planned on simply doing homework and mainly focusing on my TreeHouse track. That didn’t happen. I’ve spent most of the day moping and gathering useless thoughts. i don’t wanna do this anymore. I don’t know what love is or this feeling I have but I don’t want to have it anymore. It pains me to even it say it but I’m tired of putting myself through this. I’m tired of staring at your beauty afraid of watching you share it with someone else. I’m tired of writing new music that centers around my desires of knowing you but my fear of losing a stranger.

I’ve always wondered what it is that makes a woman attractive. Like what are those features that I adore about you so much? Its indescribable. I feel comfortable and afraid, scared to even say your name.

I just wish I wasn’t so shy and built up all these fantasy stories in my head of how I see the future. I read a book a not to long ago that actually described what I’m going through.

You get anxious about confronting somebody in your life. That anxiety cripples you and you start wondering why you’re so anxious. Now you’re becoming anxious about being anxious. Oh no! Doubly anxious! Now you’re anxious about your anxiety, which is causing more anxiety. Quick, where’s the whiskey?I just wish I wasn’t so shy and built up all these fantasy stories in my head of how I see the future. I read a book a not to long ago that actually described what I’m going through. – Mark Manson”

The feedback loop hole from hell is a cycle I hate, I fell for the bait so I might as well get ate.

i just wanna know why this happened.

~ … keep it all smiles

qwerty with these dorito fingers

I’m trying to think of ways to get my mind back on track. Theres nothing wrong with me other than … never mind. Look, I’m here because I’m struggling. I’m just trying to live ya know? Isn’t this what we all want? A life? A future?

I find it quite hard to be intent and in the moment. Meditation used to work for me a long time ago but that slowly faded away. I’m not sure why but theres this feeling I can’t shake and I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand the fear and where it comes from. Why must everything come down to the decisions I make and why do I constantly stress over the small factors?

Peace isn’t just a dream but a reality. I achieved it once. Lasted for just a millisecond but the fact of the matter is, I did it. The feeling was wonderful, I can remember it vaguely but deep down I want to be right there again. Right now I’m just fixated on someone and it’s like, why? Why can’t I just have those moments where their not at the forefront of my mind.

this wasn’t proof read, i don’t care

~ keep it all smiles

U ON MY MIND DAY IN AND DAY OUT AND THIS SHIT IS FUCKIN WITH ME

Shes all I think about and is all I want… but I don’t know why.

Why am I so attracted to her?

Why do I fall into a hypnotized state everytime I’m around her, almost speechless because I don’t wanna say something toO silly. Why do I even have these feelings and spend days talking about it to myself.

why?

somedays I try to make myself cry because I just want that emotional relief but i just can’t. I’m constantly wrapping my head around multiple different realities, always lost in another world.

Like fuck, I wrote a whole song about this chick? DO YOU HEAR ME GUYS! I WROTE A WHOLE ENTIRE SONG ABOUT A WOMAN AND SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE THAT ITS ABOUT HER. SHE HEARD IT!!!

i feel dumb sometimes because i make things way harder than life is supposed to be.

~ keep it all smiles