As I sit here in the middle of my room typing this, I feel the wholeness of this world surround me and engulf the pain and fear of life. Everyday is more of a challenge due to society’s stress upon my brain and my fathers persistent badgering of help with his company. I’m 20 years old with no aim in life. My only true passion is skateboarding and life has done all its can to slow down my progression.
In my current down time I’ve done nothing but mope around the house, stream social media sites and have taken little time towards my code academy account. I also got bad news from school. I failed a class. I owe those fuckers $432. Fucking jerk offs.
To add to my stress I’ve made it through my 3rd peek season at UPS. This year had to be the worse yet, with volume staggering over 2 million a night. Everything is taking a tole on me. My soul is tainted with happiness and anger, my positive mindset has been tarnished, my life goals have been put on hold.
I’ve started smoking black n milds to cope with the stress. Its a habit I picked up on my 20th birthday while floating in the clouds. I dearly regret it but fuck it, quicker way to leave earth right?
It makes me tear up just as little while I straddle my stuffed animal and sit in the middle of the floor. I just want to know why the world is so cold and why when I try I fail even more. I have higher hopes for the new hear but right now, I just want to sit here in the middle of my four corned room and sob a little over my failed attempt at life.
Maybe I’ll get it right next time…
I like to start my afternoons with a nice large cup of coffee and left over food from 2 nights ago. This process was created several months ago and it must continue. I work night shift at UPS so there is a need for me to fill system up with large amounts of caffeine to wake my self up. I’m addicted to coffee, its my second love in life. My first love is skateboarding, nothing ever goes above that. Unless I get married or something, than my wife has to share 1st place with my skateboard. (Laugh Out Loud) !
While I drink coffee I go on these mini trips. Its like the creativity juice in my brain starts churning and my mind goes wild. I usually like to sit down in coffee shops and do this but mostly it happens in my room in front of my computer or on my front porch. I think of all sorts of things such as new skateboard tricks, comic book ideas, more skateboard tricks, computer coding, post for my tech website and much more. The problem with this is trying to get the ideas out of my head and putting them on paper. Being a null creative person is difficult. I have to be the weirdest person to ever live. I sometimes wonder who I was in a past life hoping that I can piece together something. It never really works, I just come to another brick wall. When that happens I grab my skateboard and hit the streets.
My mind has opened up more to new things such as the world, deep space and meditation. I really want to explore these fields and get deep in it. I took a philosophy class this past semester and it completely blew my mind away. There are so many theories and knowledge and methods. I practically turned into a philosopher and started preaching these new ideas and thoughts to my friends and anyone else who seems interested. I’ve been dubbed Negrodamus among my friends. Others just call me smart. I’ll take whatever.
I see this self empowerment as a way for me to enlighten and gain more knowledge about this world and the people in it. I’ve been studying people more and have been paying attention to peoples motives and there “selfish” actions. Its all really a wonder to me.
With what I am calling my “New Found Knowledge” I plan to sit down in this sandbox of a world and begin to tear down and pull apart what society has created and create something new for our generations to live. The median that has been built defines to many stereotypes and political groups. I really just want to bring peace, but that goal is almost impossible to me and the rest of the world due to inner hatred we possess.
If we could rise above and out of the circle of hate and preach peace instead of war than we could live in a world that has less violence and more happiness. Whether or not that evil was created to make this world turn, we could at least have more positivity spread around than what we have now.
Life is simply just a sandbox.
Remember a couple months ago when I made those deep, drawn out, sad, sappy blog post about my break up with my ex? That shit was real. I was messed up from that. I stopped skateboarding for an entire week. I LOVE TO SKATEBOARD!!! I was in terrible shape. Now…Things have changed. I feel better about everything and I am happy and content with life.
I did some really hard thinking about my past relationship and I honestly think that it just wasn’t for us. Yes I really did love her, deeply. But in the end and through all the bullshit, I feel like that wasn’t for us. I think there is someone else in this world of 7 billion people that will fit for us. I’m not gonna go on here and bash her or anything, yeah I feel like she did me wrong but I am glad she broke it off. I really just wanna remain good friends.
My life is good right now, I get to chill with my friends, talk and meet new people, explore the world and do what I feel like I want without worrying about someone worrying about me. I know that sounds bad but at this point in my life, I’m 20. I have a decade to find someone and explore the world. I’m not a man-whore so there won’t be no wiener going around. haha!
Well I’m off to make some deep philosophical post so stay tuned.
I know I know, I’ve been off and on here lately. So what? Its not like anyone reads my blog anyway.
So I know what you’re thinking, the title sounds great for a poem that has every line starting with “I Will” I’m sorry to tell you this but you are wrong. I’m going to take a little time out of my night to stop and explain what I will do for the rest of this year.
To make this sound professional I will start it off like this…
- I WILL complete all course assignments in my college classes.
A hard task that is but it is something that I will be doing. For the few of you that do not know, I failed my first semester of college. Everyone was disappointed in me. My girlfriend scolded me, my cousin cursed, I got all sorts of words thrown at me. The only thoughts that came to my head was, “Why didn’t I just drop my failing classes”, and “Why didn’t I try harder?”. I can go on and try to redeem myself and give a bullshit excuse but it won’t cut it. I didn’t apply myself like I should have and just didn’t make time for it. I really wish I would have listened to my family and my encouraging girlfriend to focus on school and get it done. So now I have to start clean with just a few credits under my belt and try my best to get these classes out of the way so I can make room for the next set.
- I WILL become a better person.
I’m not crazy or anything, I just want to become a better person to society. I feel like society needs someone who can step up in any weather and lead the way. My first goal in to becoming a better person is to do community service. My girlfriend has gone on and on about me not doing community service and how it will make a difference in my life and as well in others. So I’m going to do it, I just have to go online and search up some community service events that are going on in my city. I WILL APPLY MYSELF.
- I WILL start a small business.
I am sooo TIRED of selfish people at work! I’m not going to go into the full story online but I need to make money on the side so I can work less at UPS. People at work just piss me off. There is so much drama and all people care about is their money. So MY GOAL for the remaining of this year is to start a small window cleaning business. I have experience in it and my “Swirl” is on point! I just feel like I don’t need to depend on someone else to make money. My long term goal in life is to work for myself because being a slave to someone else’s company isn’t what I want to be. Even if its something I enjoy doing I still don’t want someone to have the power to fire me or demote me when they want to and how they want to. I already hate that feeling at UPS. Its ridiculous.
Well folks, that’s all I will do. I plan on skateboarding a whole lot and getting a video together!
ps. It was around this time of the year when I started my blog so HAPPY ANNIVERSARY EXPLODING ROCK!
Sorry folks, I’ve been gone for quite a while. Last time I made a post was about 2 months ago. Now look, its Revenge of the 5th. It was the same time last year I was getting to the point of wanting to date my girlfriend and my radio show days were slowly coming to an end.
The beginning of 2013 was rough. Arguments, my dads business, deadlines, and BS at work is taking its toll. I’m not even in school! The stress of trying to get back in school is worse than being in it. But as I tell myself self always, “its gon’ get better”. It has too, my fathers business is coming together and this tech website I want to get together is actually coming together. Only thing left is to motivate my Authors. Oh and not to mention my girlfriend and I’s anniversary is approaching, ITS GOING TO BE OUR 1 YEAR! The month of May is always an exciting one. The months following are always sketchy. Its either good or bad. Ya’ never know.
So this is my little update, I’ll hit y’all back up with another one.
Remember! Live life, don’t let life live you!
There is no point to this, I write and write to get no play
I put my heart in situations, that’s why I wrote Astray
I’m living in a life full of misery and pain
I never sound nice nor do I even count the strain
The strain of vigilance among the two who have restraints and hits
The love of colorless will paint pictures on black and white canvas
The tyranny that’s caused all of this war, shall pour upon its people
Drown them in the sore, deep in pores where death dwells in kilos
The superstition of regulars on the dark path
Individuals divided by numbers but have no hint of math
Take a glance, portray them as your evil leader
If I had a chance, I’d die cus rolling dice is just a feature
Will we prevail if god shows us more suns and earths?
Will we all die if we prove we we’re made of dirt?
With such mystery we wonder why we’re still living
Too bad we all die tomorrow and nothing is forgiven.
You need to make a major change in your life. Do you make it all at once, cold turkey style, or incrementally?
At this stage in my life I need to make a major change but procrastination has hit me hard and has not let me do anything. My lack of responsibility is hurting me and the only way I can get out of this comfort zone I’m in is to just go forward and do it. They way I’m taking on this this major change is in small increments. I should really just do it all at once and force myself to do it but the way my head is programmed right now I just can’t do it. Its really hard to get changed in my life, if someone close passed away I would be stricken and would be in a depression for quite sometime. If I work hard now and try to over come procrastination and my lack of change than things that come in life wouldn’t effect me in a terrible way.
Right now in the position that I am in, the major change that I need to do is get my school stuff figured out so I can go back to school. I failed 2 classes and I’m on financial hold until I can fix my fafsa and some other stuff. At first I was like oh crap, let me get this stuff out of the way, but now I’m just slacking and sitting on my ass doing nothing but blogging about life adventures. It sucks bad, i really need to get up and do something…
(I’m going to stop here because writing about major change that I need to do right now is not helping. I need to get up, get out and do something)